You Stay Classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?

Anderson Cooper is considered one of the better TV journalists.

I have a conspiracy theory that The Daily Show and Colbert Report are funding the broadcast news industry just so they have jokes. Kind of like when Tim Watley converted to Judaism for the jokes. That theory is the only thing that keeps me from vomiting every time I unwittingly watch broadcast news.

Evidently some news outlet ran a story that Barack Obama went to school at a fundamentalist Islam school when he was like 6. Tonight Anderson Cooper set the story straight… by sending a reporter to Jakarta… to visit the school where Barack Obama went to school when he was 6… 40 years ago! You know, because the reporter can find all kinds of sources to confirm or deny the presence of a young Barack Obama 40 years ago.

Not only was the whole thing absolutely ridiculous but Anderson Cooper ended the segment by getting all high and mighty, “other news agencies report news. We check facts in person.” Shoot me now.

Headline quote movie of origin: Anchorman

Character: Ron Burgundy

Setting: Ron Burgundy, star anchor of the Channel 4 news team, has dedicated himself to the art of the spoken word. He’s the master and kind of a big deal. He has many leather bound books and his apartment smells of rich mahogany. However, every superhero has a weakness. Superman and kryptonite. Mighty Mouse and cheese. Silver Surfer and global warming. Ron Burgundy’s weakness? A literal and perfect reading of the teleprompter.

The quote is relevant to this story how?: The Channel 4 News team is from a bygone era. A time when broadcast news delivered hard hitting stories that kept the world on its toes… stories like Panda Watch: the birth of Ling Ching.

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She Was a Hip, Hip Lady, Man

The federal government’s crackdown of online gambling continues with the arrest this week of two former directors of a popular transaction service called Neteller. I just don’t get the government’s fascination with online gambling.

A person can go to nearly any shady, rundown boulevard in nearly any city in the Seattle area and bet to their hearts content. I’d imagine it’s the same in other places nationwide. Poker’s hype cycle seems to be over but you can still watch OTHER people play poker for large sums of money pretty much any late night. The American public clearly could give a rat’s ass about gambling.

So the government’s crackdown seems to be purely motivated by the fact they’re not profiting through tax dollars. There’s an easy solution… make online gambling legal and tax the bejeezus out of it. There’s your deficit reduction strategy right there, G-dub.

Headline quote movie of origin: Dazed and Confused

Character: Slater

Setting: There’s a party at the moon tower. Slater, the weed seller guy and the weed seller guy’s girlfriend are discussing the principles of our Nation’s founding fathers. The quote of record is in reference to Martha Washington, who in the eyes of Slater was a hip, hip lady.

The quote is relevant to this story how?: According to Slater, our founding fathers recognized the value of cash crops, some of which are now considered illegal. Gambling certainly falls into the same bucket as the greens, of which our first President was evidently a grower of. Didja ever look at a dollar bill, man? There's some spooky shit goin' on there. And it's green too.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

I promise, that one day, everything's going to be better for you

I was still but a twinkle in my parent’s eyes during the Vietnam conflict and admittedly have only a basic understanding of all the ins and outs of that time period. But, I believe the high-level theme of America’s involvement was to stop communism from spreading in the region. America lost… but did the world?

What seems to be missing in all of the political conversation surrounding the decision of whether or not to bring home troops from Iraq is what we’re actually trying to achieve and if America is truly the best entity to satisfy that goal. All of the original aims outlined by Bush have proven to be completely baseless and false. Is our sole objective now simply to stop the country from complete anarchy and to prevent a Taliban-style government from assuming control?

If that really is the new goal, are American troops on the ground really the means to that end? The people of Iraq, the countries of the Middle East, and hell, the rest of the world, all have a pretty big stake in the final outcome of Iraq. It’s not just an American problem. I get the sense that the rest of the world just wants to give America a big “told you so” before taking a more active role in helping to put the necessary political pressures to help Iraq eventually succeed. That’s not to say a withdrawal will solve the immediate problems. It won’t. But those problems are going to exist with or without an occupying American force.

While a withdrawal will undoubtedly hurt our bloated egos, if a positive outcome is eventually achieved, like Vietnam, than ultimately the world has won. That should be the goal, not proving that we’re the biggest and baddest.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Donnie Darko

Character: Donnie Darko

Setting: Donnie and Cherita Chen, the butt of much schoolhouse ridicule, find themselves alone in a hallway. Cherita, wearing earmuffs, is speechless, given her ginormous crush on Donnie. Donnie whispers into her ear that everything is going to be okay.

The quote is relevant to this story how?: Our country has an arrogance that we can solve any and all of the world’s dilemmas. While the current unrest is largely of our doing, it’s certainly likely that it’s a problem we won’t be able to solve. However, just as Donnie reassured Cherita, eventually the world seems to right itself. Everything is going to be okay. I hope…

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.