My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents

It's about friggin time they put Seinfeld on DVD, if only three seasons for the time being. As a kickoff, here's a link to a top 10 sports-based moments list in Seinfeld history.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page3/story?page=katcher/sports_seinfeld

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There's nothing to be afraid of.

It would be very un-Dude for this site not to at least make a mention of the recent Artestian affair in Detroit. The story has been covered from just about every angle, so ED doesn't really have anything unique to add. But, of all the articles, two sum up the incident perfectly, one from Slate and one from the Sports Guy (links below).

To summarize those articles with a few thoughts from ED... this isn't the sign that the end days are upon us and that the NBA is on its last stand. No one died. No one even got seriously injured. The NBA ratings will go up from this incident, not down. Pistons fans are a bunch of meathead idiots but doesn't this show that the NBA does have passionate fans, not the opposite?

Artest officially has an anger problem. You could almost see him trying to hold himself back after the initial fracas with Ben Wallace. Then after he initially tackled Corey Haim in the stands and realized what he did, you could see him try to reel in the devil on his shoulder urging him to kill someone… “ronny, see that guy over there with the black shirt. He said your momma dresses you in combat boots. Rip his head off. Do it. Do it.” Then after he lost it again a few seconds later after getting hit from behind…

(quick digression, the guy that hit Artest from behind was the same guy who threw the first cup at Artest, thus starting Smackdown at the Palace 2005. This guy is on tape throwing the cup. It's not really up for debate. Anyhow, this guy had a moustache or some sort of facial hair during the game and was wearing a hat. He held a press conference yesterday in which he basically said that he didn't do anything and wasn't involved. At the press conference, he shaved off his facial hair, took off the hat, was wearing sunglasses and had on an ‘I’m guilty’ leather coat... very Dr. Richard Kimble of him).

… he went berserk for a few more minutes before the angel on the left shoulder again took over the devil on the right shoulder. Once again, he retreats to his happy place (think midgets playing horsey on broomsticks and lovely ladies sipping pina coladas on lawn chairs) before a chubby wannabe tough guy with a Pistons jersey and gold chain confronts Ronny on the court. Artest gives the guy a Mr. Sandman right hook. Game over. While it was nice that Artest showed several moments of restraint in the whole affair, what it really showed is that at the base soul of Ron Artest is a raging lunatic.

Slate… http://slate.com/id/2110079/.
Sports Guy… http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/cowbell/041122

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: The Big Lebowski
Character: Walter Sobchak
Setting: The nihilists have come to collect from The Dude the million dollars they’ve been promised by Bunny Lebowski. The Dude explains that there never was a million dollars and that they’d been had. This doesn’t seem to deter the nihilist and they decide to take physical actions to rob The Dude, Walter and Donny.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: The ensuing melee that erupts between the nihilists (we believe in nothing, Lebowski) and The Dude and friends is eerily similar to Smackdown at the Palace 2005, minus the basketball players, fans, television monitors and pepper spray. Oh, and no one died at Smackdown at the Palace. But otherwise it was quite similar.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

The Latest Prisoner Mistake

As some of you may have seen, there has been widespread coverage the last few days of a Marine being taped shooting a seemingly unarmed and wounded insurgent in Fallujah. As with the Abu Ghraib scandal, there has been commentary from all sides; those denouncing the brutality of the supposedly “moral” American forces to those saying that it was irresponsible and anti-American for the American media to show such a video.

Whatever your opinion, the article located at the following link is a must read. It’s the account and reasoning of the journalist who filmed the incident. Give it a go… http://www.kevinsites.net/2004_11_21_archive.html#110107420331292115.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

I Play, Coach Stays. He Goes, I Go

New rule: NBA players that are paid “max” salaries aren’t allowed to requests trades because the team is performing poorly.

The NBA has a salary cap that basically allows NBA franchises to pay two players exceptionally large salaries, while the rest receive “paltry” pay in the low millions per year. As such, teams and owners that pay a player the maximum salary afforded under the rules of the league’s collective bargaining agreement are staking the success of their franchise on those two players to act as leaders and to make the team successful.

In the past year, there has arisen an alarmingly annoying habit of these max players demanding to be traded because the team is performing poorly. Guess what Baron Davis? You’re the reason the team is terrible!

Tracy McGrady, he of two league scoring titles and max pay, demanded and received a trade because the team he was supposedly leading finished in last place in the entire league. Vince Carter, he of only 180 games played out of a possible 250 in the past three years, demanded a trade because the team couldn’t make the playoffs. Baron Davis, he of a lifetime 41 percent shooting percentage and a barely 2-to-1 assist to turnover ratio, demanded a trade because the team wasn’t active in the free agent market. Guess what Einstein, you’re the reason the team doesn’t have any money to spend on free agents!

NBA players need to become responsible for their actions. If you’re making max money, then you ARE the franchise. Instead of complaining, figure out a way to make the players around you better. Teams like the Milwaukee Bucks, Utah Jazz and Memphis Grizzlies have proved that hard work and team play trumps individual talent. It is after all a team sport.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Hoosiers (two in a row for Hoosiers!)
Character: Jimmy Chitwood
Setting: Upon a rough start to the season, a town meeting is called to debate whether or not to fire newly appointed coach Normal Dale. As the votes are being tallied, reclusive playground legend Jimmy Chitwood steps to the podium and delivers a real tearjerker of a speech that consists of a total of eight words… “I play, coach stays. He goes, I go.” A re-vote takes place, coach stays and the rest is history my friends.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: Jimmy Chitwood put the team on his back and despite a roughshod supporting cast of characters, took his team where no small town team had ever been. Although not a vocal leader, he led with actions. No one -- I repeat NO ONE – came off screens better than Jimmy Chitwood, yet he still gave up the rock to his teammates. Jimmy even passed the ball to Ollie the runt. The Steve Francis’ and Baron Davis’ of the world could learn a lesson or two from Jimmy.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

First of All, Let’s be Real Friendly Here, Okay? My Name is Norm. Secondly, Your Coaching Days Are Over

While ED is clearly not very excited about the results of the recent election, it’s been a breath of fresh air to hear politicians speak like human being’s again and not like wind up dolls. It was becoming increasingly difficult to find any motivation to write as the media coverage consisted of the same 10 soundbites being replayed over and over and over and over and…

Over.

Now we can concentrate on ideas again and not on trying to convince everyone else why they’re wrong. Everyone let out a loud “Dean-esque” yelp. It’ll make you feel better, promise.

“We’re going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico. We’re going to California and Texas and New York!”

Anyhow, back to business. What this country needs is a truly relevant third party. Although it’s not likely to happen anytime soon, a legitimate case can be made as to why the moderates on both sides of the aisle should join hands and kick the extremes of each party to the curb.

As written in a previous post, there are three divergent views in the GOP currently; those of the religious right, those of moderate Republicans and those of traditional, policy-minded conservative Republicans. The religious right as a group share very little actual policy belief with the moderate and conservative portion of the GOP.

The religious right is defined simply by the belief that the strict moral code defined by the Bible should also be the moral code for all of society. If the roles were reversed and the Democratic Party was in favor of Biblical views and the GOP was in favor of abortion and gay marriage rights, ED has no doubt that the religious right would’ve voted Democratic. That’s to say that economic and foreign policy and other similar matters aren’t the top issues for that voting segment. In fact, it seems that the religious right SHOULD be more aligned with Democrats other than two or three key issues. Granted they’re fairly significant key issues.

Anyhow, the moderates and conservatives clearly share many of the same values in regards to the federal government having less of a role in society. There’s clearly a popular and sizable portion of the GOP that isn’t that far removed from much of the Clinton-era Democrats, who also believed in the reduction of government, a global economy and that government shouldn’t be involved in ALL aspects of a person’s life, not just those relating to taxes and property rights.

Although I have no idea of the numbers, it would be interesting to see what would happen if Bush continues to alienate guys like John McCain and Chuck Hegel. I think McCain has the popularity and the respect of enough people on both sides of the aisle, and in the public-at-large, to throw an enormous wrench into American politics by creating a bond with moderate Democrats and forming a third-party.

As the Sports Guy would say, “this needs to happen.”

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Hoosiers
Character: Norman Dale
Setting: Upon entering his first practice at Hickory High, new head coach Norman Dale finds George running drills. He’s not enthused. Upon telling George that his coaching days are over arises the best line of the movie… “Look, mister, there’s…. two kinds of dumb, uh… guy that gets naked and runs out in the snow and barks at the moon, and, uh, guy who does the same thing in my living room. First one don’t matter, the second one you’re kinda forced to deal with.” Take THAT Norman Dale. But, Normy got the last laugh when his team of small town hicks pulled the greatest upset of all-time by winning the Indiana boys basketball championship. Cue tear dripping down cheek.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: The third-party system outlined by ED is about enacting system-bending reform. It would be unprecedented and would only result from a truly awful time in our history… one that many anti-Bush citizens can envision. The story of coach Norman Dale, he of lifetime banishment from college athletics, being united with the doormat Hoosiers of Hickory High, is of a similar situation.

If anyone reads a story speaking to the need for a third party system, particularly resulting from the recent election, please send it ED's way. Thanks!

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Was It Over When the Germans Bombed Pearl Harbor?

While all is clearly not positive for the 47ish percent of the country that voted for “not” Bush, there is still hope for those opposed to Bush policy. That hope comes in the form of moderate and truly conservative Republicans.

Despite Bush’s resounding victory, there’ve been quiet murmurs of dissent within the traditionally conservative wing of the Republican Party (traditional conservatives are categorized as such because of foreign policy and economic theory viewpoints, not due to religious and moral views) concerning the enormous deficits and the levels of spending resulting from the federal government since Bush has taken office.

Separately, the moderate base that the administration rolled out at the RNC is clearly opposed to the “moral values” campaign that was at the center of a large block of the Bush voting base.

While those two groups needed to be supportive of Bush doctrine in the past four years in order to maintain control of the White House and Congress, now that they’ve succeeded what’s the point in supporting policy that stands in stark contrast to personal beliefs? Only one day after the election, Arlen Specter, a Republican Senator from Pennsylvania, warned Bush of pushing forward Supreme Court nominees that would favor repealing abortion.

If those two portions of the Republican Party continue to let Bush walk all over them, well, maybe Canada isn’t too bad of an option.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Animal House
Character: Bluto Blutarski
Setting: Upon finding out that Dean Wormer was expelling the whole fraternity, Bluto gives a pep talk to rally the house, including the not so factually accurate reference to the US fighting back after Pearl Harbor. The speech resulted in the Delta house rallying and making their mark on the Faber College homecoming parade.
The quotes is relevant to this story how?: While many are feeling disenfranchised from the result of the election, there’s still hope! As Bluto demonstrated, life is what you make it and it’s all a matter of perspective. Sure, Bush isn’t ideal for many, but the Republican Party is much more than just Bush and hopefully alternative viewpoints will still be heard.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Two Nations Under God

I’ve got to many thoughts and ideas floating around my head about the election, and unfortunately, not enough time to pull those thoughts into any sort of cohesive story. So, stay tuned for the Post-Election El Duderino, which will continue with original content and I’m sure lots of “what this means” for America thoughts.

In the meantime, the following snippet from a Thomas Friedman (columnist with the New York Times) article conveys the exact sentiments I think many are feeling today (and yesterday). This wasn’t an election about policy, it was an election about ideals and how government fits into that equation. For those of us on the wrong side of the overwhelming majority, it’s quite the hit in the stomach.

Two Nations Under God
Thomas Friedman
http://nytimes.com/2004/11/04/opinion/04friedman.html?hp

I often begin writing columns by interviewing myself. I did that yesterday, asking myself this: Why didn't I feel totally depressed after George H. W. Bush defeated Michael Dukakis, or even when George W. Bush defeated Al Gore? Why did I wake up feeling deeply troubled yesterday?

Answer: whatever differences I felt with the elder Bush were over what was the right policy. There was much he ultimately did that I ended up admiring. And when George W. Bush was elected four years ago on a platform of compassionate conservatism, after running from the middle, I assumed the same would be true with him. (Wrong.) But what troubled me yesterday was my feeling that this election was tipped because of an outpouring of support for George Bush by people who don't just favor different policies than I do - they favor a whole different kind of America. We don't just disagree on what America should be doing; we disagree on what America is.

Is it a country that does not intrude into people's sexual preferences and the marriage unions they want to make? Is it a country that allows a woman to have control over her body? Is it a country where the line between church and state bequeathed to us by our Founding Fathers should be inviolate? Is it a country where religion doesn't trump science? And, most important, is it a country whose president mobilizes its deep moral energies to unite us - instead of dividing us from one another and from the world?

At one level this election was about nothing. None of the real problems facing the nation were really discussed. But at another level, without warning, it actually became about everything. Partly that happened because so many Supreme Court seats are at stake, and partly because Mr. Bush's base is pushing so hard to legislate social issues and extend the boundaries of religion that it felt as if we were rewriting the Constitution, not electing a president. I felt as if I registered to vote, but when I showed up the Constitutional Convention broke out.

The election results reaffirmed that. Despite an utterly incompetent war performance in Iraq and a stagnant economy, Mr. Bush held onto the same basic core of states that he won four years ago - as if nothing had happened. It seemed as if people were not voting on his performance. It seemed as if they were voting for what team they were on.

This was not an election. This was station identification. I'd bet anything that if the election ballots hadn't had the names Bush and Kerry on them but simply asked instead, "Do you watch Fox TV or read The New York Times?" the Electoral College would have broken the exact same way.

My problem with the Christian fundamentalists supporting Mr. Bush is not their spiritual energy or the fact that I am of a different faith. It is the way in which he and they have used that religious energy to promote divisions and intolerance at home and abroad. I respect that moral energy, but wish that Democrats could find a way to tap it for different ends.

"The Democrats have ceded to Republicans a monopoly on the moral and spiritual sources of American politics," noted the Harvard University political theorist Michael J. Sandel. "They will not recover as a party until they again have candidates who can speak to those moral and spiritual yearnings - but turn them to progressive purposes in domestic policy and foreign affairs."

I've always had a simple motto when it comes to politics: Never put yourself in a position where your party wins only if your country fails. This column will absolutely not be rooting for George Bush to fail so Democrats can make a comeback. If the Democrats make a comeback, it must not be by default, because the country has lapsed into a total mess, but because they have nominated a candidate who can win with a positive message that connects with America's heartland.

Meanwhile, there is a lot of talk that Mr. Bush has a mandate for his far right policies. Yes, he does have a mandate, but he also has a date - a date with history. If Mr. Bush can salvage the war in Iraq, forge a solution for dealing with our entitlements crisis - which can be done only with a bipartisan approach and a more sane fiscal policy - upgrade America's competitiveness, prevent Iran from going nuclear and produce a solution for our energy crunch, history will say that he used his mandate to lead to great effect. If he pushes for still more tax cuts and fails to solve our real problems, his date with history will be a very unpleasant one - no matter what mandate he has.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

We're Screwed

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Random Thought of the Week

Is it a coincidence that we haven't received a "color-coded" terror alert since the administration took a lot of heat several months ago for using the alerts for political gain?

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

We Could Hire Our Own Midget, Even Shorter Than His

Thank god those are over. While ED enjoyed the first debate (probably b/c Kerry had a good showing) the final two presidential debates and the vice presidential debate accomplished absolutely nothing. Both candidates are taking quotes completely out of context, exaggerating claims and are accusing the other of charges that are just not accurate.

The one positive is that if a person is able to dedicate enough time to reading a wide variety of media outlets, along with listening to the candidates’ rhetoric, a picture can be derived of what exactly the differences are between the two candidates.

Bush believes that the only way to rid the world of terrorism is to forcefully push democratic ideals on those in predominantly Muslim nations, with Iraq being the first such encounter. Kerry believes that the use of force will only stand to further agitate the Muslim world, so we need to secure the nation domestically while searching for less aggressive means to reduce the risk of terrorism. That’s not to say Bush isn’t securing the domestic front as well, but a fairly solid argument could be made that the $120 billion spent in Iraq to date could have been much more wisely used securing our ports, energy facilities, bridges, tunnels, etc.

Bush believes that providing large tax breaks to corporate America and the wealthy will result in those entities and individuals spending more money, which will eventually lead to growth. Kerry believes in a nation that has a smaller margin between the nation’s richest and poorest and that America’s middle class has enough spending power to charge the economy. Bush has no concern for the deficit and believes that we can spend our way out of it by increasing revenues and thus increasing tax dollars. Kerry believes that growth can be better managed by cutting the deficit and reducing the highs and lows in the economy by maintaining fiscal responsibility.

Bush believes in an “ownership society” in which every American is fully responsible for managing their own healthcare, retirement, etc. Kerry believes that’s a recipe for disaster because large chunks of society would be left at risk in the case of a stock market correction, such as that which happened early in this century, or for the millions of Americans which have not had access to adequate education or economic means.

To ED, when you boil it all down, Bush is for aggressive actions that have the potential for big gains, but also have the potential for catastrophe. Kerry is for moderation, with a view that our nation has been highly successful and that small modifications should be made to existing programs, not complete transformations.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Oh Brother Where Art Thou
Character: Pappy O’Daniel campaign staff member
Setting: Pappy O’Daniel, the incumbent governor of Mississippi, is getting trounced in the polls at the hands of a populist candidate whose utilizing a midget to sweep away the corruption of the current regime. Pappy’s staff, running out of ideas, suggests that they get their own midget, but this one shorter than the competition… “We could hire our own midget, even shorter than his.”
The quote is relevant to this story how?: The campaign from both parties has turned in to which candidate can demonstrate the shorter midget. No longer is policy the central theme (although it probably was never the central theme), but instead who can succeed best at one-upping the opponent with a sound bite that’s not relevant or accurate.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Quote of the Day

"We threw everything but the kitchen sink at the economy. But, you've got to believe there's a Santa Claus to believe there's no cost for the gifts under the tree."
Diane C. Swonk, chief economist at the Bank One Corporation in Chicago, referring to the Bush administration's spending ways

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Debate Thoughts III

The Bush team is in full attack and spin mode post G-Dub’s abysmal showing last week. The crux of the messaging, that Kerry is soft on terror because he sees the need for international support, isn’t new, but it’s definitely become the central anti-Kerry theme. Dare I say that it’s replaced “mixed message” and “flip-flopper”?

I just don’t get the reasoning behind this attack. But if the Bush administration has shown us anything in the past four years, it’s that nearly any message can be communicated and accepted by the general public if that message is repeated enough times. The “liberal” media was and continues to be a primary driver in the Bush communication machine, having been primarily responsible for the labeling of Kerry as a flip-flopper, when in reality Bush has been just as guilty, if not moreso, of changing course on a number of topics.

Anyhow, back to the point, can someone explain to ED why it’s a negative that Kerry believes the international community should be used as a litmus test? Afghanistan is a perfect example. The administration asked for and presented compelling evidence that suggested Afghanistan was harboring terrorists. By convincing and working through the international community, all parties were happy and the interim results were exceedingly successful, at least until we lost focus.

Bush is presenting this view of the world as being completely anti-American and adversarial, which just isn’t the case (or at least it wasn’t until he took the helm). The fact is that other Westernized countries are facing the same terrorist fears as the United States and have just as much to lose by not supporting American policy as ourselves. The point is that the countries that didn’t support an invasion of Iraq are our allies (so much so in fact that he’s now on a first name basis with his friend Vladimir in Russia – one of the funnier moments of the debate) and were clearly very under-whelmed by the arguments we made to invade. A global litmus test would’ve prevented what will soon be $200 billion in spending, a tarnished international reputation and most importantly the lives of more than 1,000 American soldiers.

ED personally found Kerry’s comments on a global litmus test one of the better moments of the debate. Here’s specifically what he said in the debate:

“No president, through all of American history, has ever ceded, and nor would I, the right to preempt in any way necessary to protect the United States of America. But if and when you do it, Jim, you've got to do in a way that passes the test—that passes the global test—where your countrymen, your people understand fully why you're doing what you're doing, and you can prove to the world that you did it for legitimate reasons.

Here we have our own secretary of state who's had to apologize to the world for the presentation he made to the United Nations. I mean, we can remember when President Kennedy, in the Cuban missile crisis, sent his secretary of state to Paris to meet with [French President Charles] de Gaulle, and in the middle of the discussion to tell them about the missiles in Cuba, [the secretary of state] said, "Here, let me show you the photos." And de Gaulle waved them off, and said, "No, no, no, no. The word of the president of the United States is good enough for me." How many leaders in the world today would respond to us, as a result of what we've done, in that way?”

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Debate Thoughts II

There wasn’t a single question regarding Israel, Palestine and the rest of the Middle East. How can that be!? I have no idea of Kerry’s views on the subject, but would say it’s a fairly important topic, especially after Israel commented that they’d pre-emptively attack Iran if the country proved to have atomic weapons.

Coincidentally (okay, not coincidentally), the Israeli/Palestinian conflict is yet another conflict that has worsened in Bush’s time in office. His “roadmap” has completely disintegrated and Israel has basically decided to act unilaterally by withdrawing from the Gaza Strip. Many arguments can be made from many different views that Israel’s actions are just, but that doesn’t change the fact that the US has been made to look foolish in the process as Ariel Sharon has consistently not listened to anything Bush has to say.


Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Initial Debate Thoughts

- How could anyone older than 10 really have thought that Bush “won” the debate last night. He said being president is “hard work” like 100 times… ummm, you’re the PRESIDENT! We KNOW it’s hard work. That doesn’t excuse yourself from making mistake after mistake. And by saying it’s hard work, isn’t that Bush basically saying that he knows he’s screwed up?

- The television and print coverage that’s resulted from the debate is another indication that this so called “liberal media bias” is complete crap. Bush made about three good points the whole night, while the rest of the time he sputtered over his words and re-iterated the same phrases about hard work and Kerry flip-flopping. The broadcast media generally pulled one of the handful of five second clips when Bush wasn’t fumbling for words or repeating himself. While the print media just re-gurgitated the debate and the talking points from both the Republican and Democtratic post-debate speakers.

- “He forgot Poland!” My favorite Bushism of the night. The statement was in response to Kerry’s comment that Bush didn’t develop a true international coalition for Iraq despite his statements to the contrary. Kerry noted the United Kingdom and Australia were really the only countries that provided meaningful support, which elicited the Poland comment from Bush. No offense to Poland, but its not exactly a superpower that acts as a proof point for Bush in defense that he did create a true coalition.

Stay tuned for more thoughts…


Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

This is U.S. History. I Can See the Globe Right There.

Doesn’t it feel great to spend money? In the midst of a relationship difficulty or after a bad day at work or just to escape a boring, lonely Sunday afternoon, there aren’t too many better prescriptions. It feels good, even if you don’t actually have the money to pay for that new pair of shoes or designer jeans or even a new car.

But often times the next day when you wake up, or when you receive your credit card statement, the guilt sets in… “What was I thinking!” Credit card debt has oft-times been cited as a likely future black hole for the economy as that debt will have to be paid at some point in time.

The Republican-led House and Senate have just encountered such a moment of fiduciary irresponsibility. In a time of record deficits, that are only to grow larger as we fight a war on terror as well as a war on tyranny, our Republican controlled Congress has just announced that they will announce tax cuts that will cost $146 billion to the treasury. What will plug the enormous gap that’ll be left by the tax cuts? Who the hell knows. Congress has no provisions to offset the tax cuts.

Unfortunately, a cure for a lonely Sunday isn’t the reason for the Republican hand-outs. Chalk this one up to election year politics. This almost makes me want to see Bush win the election so he can go through four years of having to figure out a way to deal with all of the enormous problems that he’s created in his four years in office.

The results from a poll recently conducted stated that only 9 percent of respondents would like a Bush second-term to be like the first, while 31 percent said they’d like minor modifications. A whopping 58 percent stated that they’d want major changes. Youch.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Character: Jeff Spicoli
Setting: It’s the first day of school. Mr. Hand is providing a lecture on the do’s and don’ts of his class. A few minutes into his speech, he notices a knocking on his door and proceeds to let the tardy student, Jeff Spicoli, into the class. Mr. Hand asks Spicoli what he’s doing at which point Spicoli tells Mr. Hand that according to his schedule he’s supposed to be in Mr. Hand’s class… “This is U.S. history. I can see the globe right there.”
The quote is relevant to this story how?: It’s not really relevant, I just needed a break from having the quote match the actual post. But, in a stretch move, the quote is in regards to a U.S. history class. As Ali G was told by a guest, history is happening all the time, and the deficit spending currently occurring will certainly be a noted historical event in the future.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Quote of the Week

"Those who seek to bestow legitimacy must themselves embody it, and those who invoke international law must themselves submit to it."

- Kofi Annan, head of the United Nations, in a not-so-veiled shot at president George Bush during his speech at the United Nations.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Like House of Pain Was Gonna Do Anything About It

Lost in all of the attention on Iraq, is the unraveling of political stability in Afghanistan, the place that no one denies was an actual hotbed of terrorist activity. While Iraqi elections are still more than three months off, Afghanistan is slated to hold elections for national office in just three weeks.

Unfortunately, the country is in a state of chaos. In just the past week, both the current president and vice-president, who were both appointed members of office and not elected by the general population, have had near misses with a rocket (the president) and a roadside bomb (the vice president). The beheadings that have become a somewhat common occurrence in Iraq have also increased in Afghanistan, adding to security fears. As a result, European nations have now refused to send election monitors, citing a lack of security.

As the Wall Street Journal reports, the problems are similar to those seen in Iraq… a lack of troops. “In Northern Afghanistan, 320 soldiers patrol a territory 1.5 times the size of Bosnia.” Previous news reports suggest that a vast majority of the country is still being controlled by “warlords” and that production of opium continues to increase.

As is the case in many impoverished American neighborhoods, the drug trade provides an economic option that may not be available otherwise, which increases those regions economic dependence upon the warlords. As a stable government would generally be bad for the drug trade, there’s little motivation for the general populace to support stability. Of course, if the Nato- and American-led forces would’ve had a clearer set of priorities and more resources, the warlords would not have had the opportunity to revitalize opium production post the initial invasion of Afghanistan.

This is yet another example of a failed effort by the current administration. When invading Iraq was still in the stages of debate, many officials and pundits noted that the invasion would appear to deflect American’s attention on Afghanistan. That’s exactly what has happened. Now we’re failing miserably on both fronts.

As the topper, in GW’s speech to the United Nations on Tuesday, he re-iterated that Iraq has been a success and that the spread of democracy is the key to ensuring world peace. I wish I lived in his fantasy world. It seems like a nice place.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Swingers
Character: Trent, aka Double-Down
Setting: Upon exiting a Hollywood lounge, Sue is shoulder-bumped by a late 90s Vanilla Ice look-alike. After a brief exchange of hostilities, Sue brandishes a handgun and sends the group of ruffians scurrying. Mikey counters with the line, “Haven’t you seen Boyz N The Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot,” to which Sue replies, “I had to save our rep, bro.” That in turn led to the headline quote, “Like fuckin' House of Pain was gonna do anything about it? He's right, Sue. You don't need to carry a gat.”
The quote is relevant to this story how?: The Bush administration is akin to Sue in this scene and House of Pain is representative of the peoples of this world that don’t share in the same ideals as Bush. GW believes that if we pull a “gat” on them and force them to accept our ideals, our rep will be saved and the American people will be safe and happy. BUT, as John Singleton demonstrated in his movie Boyz N The Hood, the more likely response is a further escalation of violence.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

I Hate Her Just Like I Hate That German Chancellor with the Moustache

Under five years of rule by President Vladimir Putin, Russia has been slowly creeping away from the democratic ideals that were expected to be embraced with the fall of the Cold War. The government has been suspected of rigging elections, dominating the media and covertly taking down those individuals it felt threatened by, most notably Russian oil mogul Mikhail Khodorkovsky, who was imprisoned last year, and Forbes Moscow Bureau Chief Paul Klebnikov, who was murdered earlier this year.

Today, Putin took his boldest action yet, announcing widespread changes to election procedures that will effectively end any opposition to Putin’s ruling party – essentially removing democracy from Russian politics. Putin is using the recent terrorist atrocities in Russia as the reasoning for the changes, but clearly this consolidation of power has been occurring for a number of years and will only add fuel to the fire of the Chechens, and other nationalist states within Russia, who were opposed to the already stringent policies of the Putin regime.

It’ll be interesting to how the Bush administration (or the future Kerry administration) reacts to the latest move made by Putin. Bush has taken little action in the past four years against Russia despite loads of evidence suggesting the country was moving away from a democratic state. As the Bush administration has made fighting tyranny basically a central tenet of his administration, what will the future hold in dealing with Russia?

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Curse of the Jade Scorpion
Character: C.W. Briggs
Setting: Woody Allen’s The Curse of the Jade Scorpion details an aging insurance investigator in the 1940s whose struggling to cope with the modernization occurring within his place of employment. The company has enlisted the services of a quality assurance expert, who happens to be female, that is streamlining the organization. His inability to cope with the new procedures forces him into heated exchanges with his female superior and led to the comparison of Hitler, “I hate her just like I hate that German chancellor with the moustache.”
The quote is relevant to this story how?: It’s a quote referring to what amounted to Hitler’s dictatorship, which is the direction being pursued by the Putin regime in Russia.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

I Raised You To Be a Winner, So, Dammit Boy, Win

Fantasy drafts have been completed, Madden football is flying off the shelves and the brats and burgers are being thrown onto the grill in parking lots nationwide. Football is in the air.

In the third annual Thursday kick-off game for the country’s best professional sports league, the NFL demonstrated its savvy by pitting a rematch of last season’s AFC championship game… Pats v. Colts.

The game did not disappoint. A back-and-forth affair with the defending Super Bowl champs continuing their parity-busting 16 game win streak. But, most entertaining to ED was the conclusion, with all-world (and all-unlikable) Peyton “of the Louisiana Mannings” Manning driving the high-octane Colts down the field for a potential game-tying field goal.

On a third and relatively short, with time winding down in the fourth quarter, from the Pats 18-yard line, Manning trotted toward the line, and as is the case 99.9999 percent of the time, he saw something he DID NOT LIKE. Time for an audible. Manning barked instruction to the left for his lineman and receivers. Then a similar round of instructions to those lined up on the right. Finally, Manning turned to his backfield mate, Edgerrin James, and instructed James to move from Manning’s right to his left, supposedly to pick up a blitz that Manning had the vision and foresight to sense.

Finally, Manning gets the hike and drops back to pass. James moves forward on the left to pick up the supposed blitz that Manning had predicted. To the dismay of ALL, the blitz did not come from the left, but instead from the right, where Willie McGinest, he of pro bowl fame and noted Colts-crushing plays in the past, raced from the edge. Manning, for some reason unbeknownst to man, decided to escape the rush by moving further back from the line of scrimmage.

Predicatably, McGinest throws Manning down for a 13 yard loss, moving the Colts from a potential 35-yard game-tying field goal attempt to a 48-yard attempt. Colts miss, Pats win. Manning looks like a doosh bag for audibling himself into a sack and then taking his team out of field goal range. Life is good and the world is happy.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Varsity Blues
Character: Sam Moxon, father of Mox
Setting: In a heart-warming exchange, Sam Moxon, former Texas high school football player, gives a pep talk to his second string QB son whose headed to an Ivy League school on academic scholarship. Father Moxon teaches his son a valuable life lesson with the words, “I Raised You To Be a Winner, So, Dammit Boy, Win.”
The quote is relevant to this story how?: The Manning family is as synonymous with football as is Texas with high school football. Archie Manning no doubt taught his sons, similar to Sam Moxon, that it’s a team game and that personal glory and riches are just an added bonus to those who fully immerse themselves in the pursuit of winning and the love of the game. The unselfishness exhibited by young Eli during the draft and by old Peyton when graciously accepting the Colts millions this offseason are indicative of the Manning family crede and focus on the pursuit of the ultimate goal, a Super Bowl ring.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.

Why does no one ever comment on the impact that campaigning for elections has on the responsibilities of those individuals involved? Kerry, including the primary season, has been campaigning non-stop for more than a year. President Bush has now been campaigning solidly, including often times hitting multiple states in a single day, for four or five months. Isn’t the job of United States Senator and President a full-time affair? In addition to changes that need to occur to the McCain-Feingold campaign finance “reform” legislation, does it make sense to enact measures that create campaigning periods?

While both candidates are forced to spend all their time campaigning, the administration is allowing the election to affect its decision-making process.

The Wall Street Journal reported on Thursday that officials have conceded privately that the election is affecting decisions related to stabilizing Iraqi cities currently being controlled by rebel forces. The Journal says the decision is “deeply unpopular among many military commanders” due to the need to stabilize these cities well before the national elections that are scheduled for January. Obviously such a move will likely result in some of the most intense battles to date, which would undoubtedly have a negative impact on the current administration’s forthcoming election.

Another domestic policy issue that wreaks of election year politics is the soon-to-expire 10 year-old-ban on most assault weapons. According to polls, more than two-thirds of the public supports the banning of assault weapons and since the legislation was enacted federal statistics demonstrate that crimes that can be traced to assault weapons have declined by two-thirds. The administration has said that it supports renewing the law but hasn’t made any efforts to push Congress to action.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Character: Ferris Bueller
Setting: Ferris imparting his words of wisdom and his life’s philosophy.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: Ferris is indicative of an individual who shirks his real-life responsibilities (school) to focus on his own personal gain, in this case the instant gratification that results from truancy and a trip to the city. Similarly, the candidates in a presidential election shirk their job responsibilities for the pursuit of prestige and power that results from heading the world’s foremost superpower. It’s, like, the same thing.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

If You Want Me to Take a Dump in a Box and Mark It Guaranteed. I can. I Have Spare Time.

Among the previous half-truths previously noted by this column, one glaring omission has been the attacks on Kerry’s liberal record and specifically his views on taxation. In many ways I think his past voting record is somewhat insignificant, at least in regards to topics in which he’s laid out a clear plan.

Elected officials are supposed to represent their constituents. Kerry is from a state that possesses ideals that are more “liberal” than those of the nation as a whole. Clearly he would be expected to have a voting record that mirrors those views. Now that’s he on a national stage, in which the general populace doesn’t support the level of social programs supported in the Northeast, Kerry has stated that he will NOT raise taxes on the middle or lower classes, but that he WILL repeal the tax cuts Bush provided to those in upper income brackets. Case closed. That’s his policy.

Once again, by continually using vague terms such as “most liberal Senator,” the administration continues to show that it doesn’t want to have a debate or dialogue on Kerry’s current policy.

But, for the sake of argument, let’s dissect the attacks on Kerry’s voting record on taxes in contrast with the claims being made by the administration.

In an official Bush-Cheney television ad titled “taxing our economy” the administration claims that Kerry had 98 votes “for tax increases,” which was nearly a 300 percent decrease from its earlier statement that Kerry voted 350 times for “higher taxes”. According to the non-partisan Annenberg Institute (through its FactCheck.org Web site), 43 of the votes in question would not have raised taxes. In a 20-year Senate career, which has included more than 6,000 votes, that doesn’t seem like such a large number.

The general theme of the ad is that Kerry won’t really follow-through on his word to lower middle class taxes (that he’ll pull a George H.W. Bush, if you will), citing his record of voting for gas taxes, lack of support for child tax credits and a 1996 budget that included higher taxes, which Kerry supported. As seems to be the case, the charges are HUGE stretches.

In regards to gas taxes, the ad claims Kerry voted 10 times to raise gas taxes against the middle class and that Kerry supported a 50 cent a gallon tax increase. Both claims are false. The ad claims that Kerry voted 18 times for higher taxes on middle class parents, all in reference to granting child tax credits. In fact, the votes weren’t to raise taxes, as the ad states, but were against lowering the taxes and were all part of larger Republican tax packages.

And finally, the ad mentions the fiscal ’96 budget in which Kerry supported increases in the budget via several specific tax increases. Unfortunately, the majority of the examples cited in the ad would have actually raised taxes against those making over $140,000 per year, which are exactly the type of taxes that Kerry is more than happy to suggest he supports.

http://factcheck.org/article.aspx?docID=247

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Tommy Boy
Character: Tommy Boy
Setting: Tommy Boy, after several failures in his attempt at salesmanship, finds his groove and is in the process of selling thousands of Calloway “the god damn Rolls Royce of brake pads, that’s what they are” brake pads to a regional Midwestern auto parts store. Central to his persuasive argument is the role of the word “guarantee” on the box, of which the term is not present on Calloway products.

Ted, the potential purchaser, states that a guarantee makes a man feel good and asks why anyone would put a guarantee on a box if not for a superior product. Tommy, in a display of wisdom that can only have been learned in his seven years in college, counters that… “The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? ‘Building model airplanes’ says the little fairy, but we're not buying it. Next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.”

Then, referring to the competition’s motives behind the guarantee… “Because they know all they solda ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality item from me.”
The quote is relevant to this story how?: The Republican National Convention is analogous to the competition (such as Zalinsky the Auto Parts King). The current administration is making a whole lot of guarantees about lots of issues because they know in reality, if they’re not guaranteeing future actions, than all they’re selling is a box full of excrement.

It’s Herbie Hancock. Duh.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Dad, you're like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny combined... you're just as charming, and just as fake

The Republican Party has clearly mastered the art of tugging at human emotion. Version 2004 of the Republican convention was a textbook case of energizing its voting base, ultimately leading to a huge swing of the pendulum in favor of the current administration.

Because the goal of an election is to win, in some ways the GOP performance at the convention is admirable, but mostly it further illustrates that politics is more marketing than substance or the aim to elect the individual that best serves the desires of the public as a whole.

There were dozens of examples in which speakers at the convention made claims that either don’t support Bush policy (such as an endless stream of moderate Republican speakers to divert the public from the president’s actual views) or that attacked Kerry using logic that can be deemed twisted and even outright deceitful.

The following was my favorite:

Over the past several months, and several times within the convention, Republicans have stated that John Kerry is weak on national security because he’s repeatedly voted in the past to kill funding for weapons systems, such as the M-1 tank, the Apache helicopter and several versions of the F-series jet fighter, among others.

This is just a completely non-sensical claim, especially when considering the fact that our current vice president, Dick Cheney, was the secretary of defense at the time of the vote by Kerry, occurring shortly after the fall of the Eastern bloc. Here’s what Secretary Cheney said at that time:

“Overall, since I've been Secretary, we will have taken the five-year defense program down by well over $300 billion. That's the peace dividend. … And now we're adding to that another $50 billion … of so-called peace dividend.

Congress has let me cancel a few programs. But you've (referring to the Democrats) squabbled and sometimes bickered and horse-traded and ended up forcing me to spend money on weapons that don't fill a vital need in these times of tight budgets and new requirements. … You've directed me to buy more M1s, F14s, and F16s—all great systems … but we have enough of them.”

Can you believe, first, that the Republicans have the kahunas to say Kerry was interested in dismantling the defense budget when Cheney and the first Bush administration wanted deeper cuts, but even worse, is that they’re getting away with it! I find particularly funny how he refers to the cuts as the “peace dividend”. I should point out that ED isn’t disagreeing with the cuts. It was clearly the prudent thing to do at the time. My issue is with the administration criticizing Kerry for when they were the party pushing forward the cuts.

http://slate.com/id/2106119/

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Big Fish
Character: Will Bloom
Setting: Upon returning home to spend time with his dying father, Will Bloom is interested in finding out the truth of his father’s life. Upon confronting his father, and being denied the answers he was seeking, Will tells his father that he’s like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny combined, just as charming, and just as fake.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: President Bush is charming. He comes across as much more sincere than Kerry, and despite coming from a privileged background, he’s able to connect on a personal level with many. Unfortunately, his election is based on words that make people feel good, like “resolute” and “will”, and not on results or on his own policy. If it were based on results, you would’ve heard terms like Afghanistan, Iraq, economy, education and healthcare, all the major policy areas that have resulted from the administration but barely got mentions at the convention.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Vote For ‘None of the Above’

The latest controversy over John Kerry’s Vietnam War record is another perfect example of why so many Americans are disenfranchised with the political process. That’s not to say that I’m blaming the Republicans, as Democrats are just as guilty. But this election (as I’m sure is as has been the case in most presidential elections) is less about issues and more about manipulating public perception.

With that in mind, El Duderino dedicates this column to the reasons for its support of John Kerry, or in this case, its non-support of the current administration. Ideally, Monty Brewster would enter the race, as he did in the 1985 Richard Prior film Brewster’s Millions, and dedicate his millions to the purpose of getting none of the candidates elected.

The GOP often times likes to refer to itself in business terms. That government should be run more like a business. Results are what matters. If that was the case, the Board of Directors would have no choice but to fire George Bush as shareholder value has been abysmal. And that’s with the GOP controlling every major facet of government.

Economy
According to a recent report published by the Census Bureau, from 2001 through 2003, poverty increased, income stagnated and the ranks of the uninsured grew. Despite bringing the Nation to war, the Bush administration handed out more than $400 billion in tax cuts, which primarily benefited those in higher income brackets. As evidenced by a Congressional Budget Office report, the middle class has taken over a larger role of our Nation’s tax burden as a result of those same tax cuts. In June, the Nation experienced its largest trade deficit ever at just under $56 billion.

Despite the record stimulus added to the economy by the administration’s tax cuts, job growth has been weak at best, not even adding enough jobs to cover increases in the population, and there are a few million jobs less in the Nation today than when Bush took office in 2001. Worse, the budget deficit is expected to reach an all-time high of $445 billion this year and keep rising to a high of an estimated nearly $2 trillion in the not-too-distant future. This hamstrings future administration’s ability to deal with any unforeseen disasters, be it another major terrorist attack, an international incident that is truly time sensitive or another recession.

We’re not even close to being in a better spot than we were when Bush entered office.

International Arrogance and Ignorance
The United States used to be an example to the rest of the world. We came to the rescue of our European and Asian allies in World Wars I and II. We were largely responsible for ending the Cold War. We’re far and away the largest benefactor to Developing and Third World nations. Our political pressure helped end Apartheid, end decades worth of corruption at the hands of the PRI in Mexico and helped instill Democratic ideals (often times bringing down ruthless dictatorships and despotic regimes) in dozens of countries world wide… all through peaceful actions.

The Bush administration has single-handedly taken that century’s worth of good will and completely and irreversibly made Americans the scourge of the world for the foreseeable future. Although it would be nice to be thought of as good people, what’s worse is the potential damage that anti-American sentiments may spawn.

Our economy is based on the world becoming increasingly advanced and opening up new markets for the goods our companies sell. With the increasing coordination of the countries in the European Union and the sheer mass of more than one billion inhabitants in both China and India, we’re not going to be the 500 pound capitalist and technologically advanced gorilla forever. The more we piss off the rest of the world, the less likely those same countries are going to be in welcoming our economic policies in the future.

And what’s even more disheartening to ED, is that the Bush administration’s arrogance in dealing with our allies has seemed to wear off on the rest of society. Anecdotal evidence suggests that we’re entering a new era of religious ferocity, the evangelical Christians versus Islam, with history telling us that such religious fanaticism leads to violence and division.

Environment
ED is not an environmentalist. If it’s a choice between logging a plot of land owned by a private company (and employing a town) versus moving a species of owl to another forest, ED is for moving the owl. But, ED is also a believer in moderation and cooperating with the rest of the world. The current administration’s failure to enact policy (or even show any interest) in reducing our dependence on oil and other non-renewable sources of energy is appalling.

Bush policies that can be deemed “anti-environment” and show a lack of respect for the views of the rest of the industrialized world include cutting the EPA budget, proposing oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, as well as drilling in vast plots of land in the Rockies, burying the Kyoto global warming treaty (of which America is by far the largest producer of greenhouse gases), renouncing his pledge to cap carbon dioxide emissions and suspending new limits on arsenic in drinking water. More good news came this past Tuesday, the EPA reported that fish in virtually all of the nation’s lakes and rivers are contaminated with mercury.

Education
The No Child Left Behind Act (NCLB) was the Administration’s first major piece of legislation. As can be said about several of the President’s major initiatives, NCLB appears to be more about being able to point to progress in a key voter segment, education in this case, versus actually attempting to reform a neglected aspect of society.

In the case of NCLB, the Administration pushed forward legislation, which on the surface made a lot of sense, creating accountability for educators. Unfortunately, the Administration provided very little funding for the Act, nor did it provide a reliable game plan for reaching the goals put forth in the legislation.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Brewster’s Millions
Character: Monty Brewster
Setting: At the behest of a will, Monty is tasked with spending $30 million without acquiring any assets in return. After being largely unsuccessful, Monty decides to take his millions and run for the Mayor of New York due to the corruption that has enveloped the city. Because winning the election would result in him attaining a salary and thus an asset, Brewster runs on the platform of vote for none of the above, in order to ensure he doesn't win the election.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: ED isn’t crazy about John Kerry, neither his policy (most notably his seeming aversion to free trade principles) nor his personality. But, the current administration has been given four years and has failed miserably. If voting for none of the above was an option, that box would have at least one checkmark.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

… and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes

A study being released today by the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) details the impact of the Bush tax cuts that occurred in 2001. Result? Look for another terror alert coming soon.

The study found that the wealthiest 20 percent of our country saw their share of federal taxes drop from 64.4 percent of total tax payments in 2001 to 63.5 percent this year. The middle class saw its burden of the tax load INCREASE. Although Democrats have continually stated this to be the case, the administration has done a masterful job of denying the left’s claims.

It’ll clearly be much tougher for the administration to de-bunk the CBO, though. The CBO is headed by a former senior economist from the Bush White House, Douglas Holtz-Eakin, and is headed by a Republican Congressman. Expect the spinning from the White House to be mind-boggling. They’ll be bringing out the big guns on this one.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A61178-2004Aug12.html

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Dazed and Confused
Character: Ms. Ginny Stroud
Setting: It’s 1976. The bell rings for the final class on the last day of school. Students are jumping from their seats, rushing for the door. As a final piece of wisdom, hippie teacher Ms Ginny Stroud leaves her small town Texas students with words of wisdom that I’m sure impacted each of them profoundly… “Okay guys, one more thing, this summer when you're being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth Of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating, and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes.”
The quote is relevant to this story how?: Minus the slave-owning part, the people that Ms. Ginny Stroud decries are those that have benefited the most from the administration’s tax cuts.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

My Motto is “Do it my way or watch your butt”

An interesting Slate article yesterday by Daniel Gross noted the parallels between Costco and Wal-Mart in contrast with the Democratic and Republican parties. As simply a demographic comparison, Costco tends to be in so-called blue states/areas, while Wal-Mart tends to be centered in the red states/areas.

While the article only makes a cursory mention of the ideology that drives management decisions at Costco and Wal-Mart, the two companies do sum up the two political parties quite effectively. A summary of Wal-Mart is a microcosm of everything that ED doesn’t like about the current state of the GOP.

Wal-Mart is overtly aggressive and will do about anything to ensure that it’s the clear alpha male in its industry (and the world for that matter). The AVERAGE wage at Wal-Mart is less than Costco’s LOWEST wage. The company is oft-criticized by labor groups for failing to provide adequate healthcare and benefits, for discriminating against women, for locking cleaning personnel in the stores at night to reduce the need for security personnel and forcing overtime without additional pay.

Aside from its shoddy labor practices, the company routinely forces its way into communities despite widespread protest. In a recent highly publicized attempted store opening in Inglewood in Southern California, Wal-Mart essentially tried to incorporate its own city so that the company could skirt environmental laws. A Wal-Mart sponsored ballot initiative was rejected by the voters of Inglewood. The company also has utilized its standing as the world’s largest company to force its own agenda. The company rejects music CDs and movies that it finds objectionable and forces suppliers of nearly every consumable good and/or product on the planet to conform to its standards.

But, at the end of the day, Wal-Mart is a wildly successful entity and has lined the pockets of tens of thousands of investors. The company from any monetary measurement is one of the most glaring and shining examples of American capitalism. And that all about sums up the Bush administration doesn’t it… as long as money is being made, everything is fine, despite the consequences of that growth (sadly, it’s tough to make an argument that the economy is in a wildly successful state, but that’s a different column).

Of course any card carrying Republican will counter that America can’t have it both ways. Although some get left behind in the Bush vision of America, the greater good is fed by enacting policy that places economic growth as trumping secondary issues such as the environment or workers rights.

Luckily for the rest of us, Costco shines as the beacon of hope on the hill. Pay STARTS at $10 an hour. Workers receive tremendous health benefits and are generally treated like they matter. As Slate notes, the results are that “Costco’s turnover is a third of the retail industry average of 64 percent and shrinkage – the amount of inventory lost to theft – is about 13 percent of the industry norm.” Although Costco might not be the biggest or the most profitable, the company has been outperforming Wal-Mart in many categories as of late and more importantly it’s creating an ecosystem of happiness for those whose lives the company employs. Isn’t that the indicator that should really matter?

http://slate.com/id/2104988/

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Raising Arizona
Character: Nathan Arizona Sr.
Setting: H.I. and Ed have stolen one of the famous Arizona quintuplets, as “biology and other peoples' opinions conspired to keep us childless.” While being interviewed by the police, who suspect a disgruntled employee may have stolen Nathan Jr., Nathan Sr, owner of the Unpainted Arizona chain of furniture stores, explains his management style by stating, “Hell, they're all disgruntled. I aint running no damn daisy farm. My motto is ‘Do it my way or watch your butt!’"
The quote is relevant to this story how?: Nathan Sr.’s management style is an example of a red state business owner. That was a joke. Don't get all riled up, red state people.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Lester Bangs

Welcome to Lester Bangs, a new and recurring column that details what tunes have broken into the rotation at El Duderino radio. Music reviews aren’t ED’s specialty, so all content has been lifted from other sites, as noted. If one person finds enjoyment from a new band as a result of Lester Bangs then all the time and effort will have been worth it.

America Loves You

MODEST MOUSE (Good News For People Who Love Bad News)
“Half expansive, burnished radio-rock, half swampy Delta hoodoo-hollerin' that reeks of Brock's Southern sojourn.” Spin, May 2004

“Never happily slotting into any template demanded back in their home town, MM are nearer to some wondrous mish-mash of Pavement and Beck; closer in harmony to The Flaming Lips.” Logo

SONIC YOUTH (Sonic Nurse)
“Every song but one falls fully developed in the five- to seven-minute ballpark, brimming with enough dissonant wizardry, smart vocal imagery, and tonal shades of rock to fly the freak flag like no aging rockers ever have.” Austin Chronicle

“All told, this album is probably the band's best balance of pop melodies and avant-leaning structures since Washing Machine; even if it doesn't rank among their most ambitious work, Sonic Nurse sounds like the kind of album Sonic Youth should be making at this point in their career.” All Music Guide

STELLASTARR* (Stellastarr*)
“The New-York four piece makes its full-length debut with this 10-track effort that has drawn comparisons to the usual suspects (Joy Division, The Cure, The Pixies, et al) as well as to newer bands who also draw from the same sources (Interpol, Hot Hot Heat, et al).” Metacritic

“I know the whole ‘retro-rock’ thing is en vogue in about a bazillion different ways, but Stellastarr*’s take just seems a bit more energetic and vibrant than most. Considering the genre, this disc is a frighteningly solid listen.” Delusions of Adequacy

THE BUZZCOCKS (Operators Manual – Best of…)
“Did The Buzzcocks invent pop-punk? Probably not. Did they perfect it? You bet. Marrying glorious pop melodies, the chainsaw roar of a downstroked guitar, and the furious angst of a million confused teenagers, The Buzzcocks played punk rock that was physical, passionate, and emotionally compelling, but also joyously listenable (and danceable) in a way The Damned and The Clash could never dream of being. If the Buzzcocks Mk. 1 (1976-1981) ever made a bad record, they've done a splendid job of keeping it a secret; all three of the group's original albums are brilliant, and Singles Going Steady (which collects the A and B sides of their first eight 45's) is as perfect a compilation album as you're ever likely to encounter.” MusicMatch

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Random Thought of the Week

ED is curious... have the sales of digital video recorders, such as Tivo, gone through the roof during the political season as annoying spots dominate the eight minutes of commercials we receive during a standard 30 minute show? Have sales taken off particularly in the so-called battleground states?

This may be ED's chance to break a national story...

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

It's Not a Lie. It's a Gift For Fiction.

Much has been made of the Michael Moore movie Fahrenheit 9/11. Despite being decidedly anti-Bush, this movie has bothered me since it started to be heavily promoted by the media prior to its opening night. I’ve held off writing because I couldn’t really figure out why I was finding myself so anti-Michael Moore. I’ve seen several of his movies and generally found them to be effective, if obviously a bit slanted, in raising real questions and concerns that needed to be addressed by the larger public. Nothing wrong with creating dialogue even if it’s dialogue that I personally didn’t agree with.

But the time has come to end the silence. After much thinking and speaking with a number of friends from opposite ends of the political spectrum, I’ve come to two primary conclusions as to why this movie bothers me. El Duderino speaks:

First and foremost, Fahrenheit 9/11 is based on false logic. Michael Moore is the master of using satire, sarcasm and surprise to manipulate the viewer into believing positions that he presents as fact. He takes shots that by themselves would be completely innocuous, adds music and his own dialogue and suddenly transforms his target into a bumbling idiot. Scenes that come to mind from 9/11 that fit this bill include the showing of President Bush golfing and Moore surprising a Congressman on the street and pushing him on his willingness to send his own children to Iraq. Surely we as a nation don’t really have a problem with Bush golfing, and just because a Congressman doesn’t want to send his child into war, that doesn’t prove the war is wrong.

Unfortunately, the examples noted above, trademarks of Moore’s films, are the least offensive results of this movie. In this latest effort, Moore clearly had a point he wanted to prove and formed the facts the way he wanted to bolster his case.

Up until recently I had only read articles countering Moore’s claims within the film from journalists that clearly had a personal vendetta against the filmmaker. Recently ED was introduced (thanks Hartman’s My Pulpit blog) to a Newsweek article that demonstrates the factual errors in a clear and concise fashion without attacking Michael Moore. I’ve included the link to the article below, but essentially what the article states is that the central themes of the movie, that President Bush has compromised his duties as the leader of our country because of his loyalties to Middle Eastern interests (and money), are completely without merit. Moore’s actions more than push the ethical envelope of being a responsible documentarian, which is particularly disappointing on such a highly volatile topic.

In addition to many of his arguments being without merit, I also find this movie annoying because instead of acting as a unifying factor for a nation, liberals have taken their standard holier-than-thou approach and effectively further polarized the voting public. The movie hasn’t bolstered the anti-Bush cause, it’s just made the left and right more perturbed with each other. We should be striving for open communication and a willingness to agree to disagree with each other. This movie takes the opposite view of teaching us as a society to belittle those with opposing views to our own. Thanks Mr. Moore.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5335853/site/newsweek/

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: State & Main
Character: Walt Price
Setting: In a conversation with screenwriter Joseph Turner White (played by the brilliant Philip Seymour Hoffman) regarding the need for script changes, director Walt Price (played by the equally brilliant Bill Macy) provides White with information that’s not quite true. White responds saying to Price, “that’s a lie.” Price responds with, “it’s not a lie. It’s a gift for fiction.”
The quote is relevant to this story how?: Michael Moore likely feels the same way as Walt Price… that his movie isn’t a lie. It’s a gift for fiction. After all, it is just a movie and Moore presents himself as a satirist. Unfortunately, the repercussions from Moore’s “gift for fiction” are a polarized, embittered nation.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Nobody’s Looking for a Puppeteer in Today’s Wintry Economic Climate

If I hear one more Bruce Ratner (new owner of the New Jersey Nets) is cheap because he didn’t resign Kenyon Martin comment, I’m going Robert Deniro in Taxi Driver.

New Jersey did indeed reach the NBA Finals in consecutive years with the trio of Kidd, Martin and Jefferson. But, the Eastern Conference was extraordinarily weak during those two years (the Celtics made the conference finals one of those years for christ’ sake!), they got blown out by the West representative both years and, more telling, last season, the Nets were clearly several notches below the Pistons and Pacers. Being significantly over the salary cap for the foreseeable future, mediocrity was the Nets future without big changes.

The situation is quite similar to that faced by the Seattle Sonics management after the 96/97 season. The team had reached the finals in ’96 but faced increased pressure in a tough Western division, losing out in the semi-finals to the eventual NBA champion Houston Rockets. Although the core of Gary Payton and Shawn Kemp would likely guarantee the Sonics a playoff team for many years, the Sonics decided to trade Kemp for Vin Baker, a move that netted the team 61 wins, although an eventual playoff loss to the The Diesel led Lakers.

Ultimately, the Sonics trade was doomed by the alcohol consumption of Vin “and Tonic” Baker, but the team had little choice, similar to the Nets. Rod Thorn and Bruce Ratner should be commended for the gutsy, unpopular moves they’ve made to give the Nets a shot at a championship long-term. The team netted three first round picks, two of which have the potential to be high lottery picks, while creating salary cap flexibility down the road. If Thorn can figure out a way to rid the team of the cancerous Jason Kidd, which will likely result in an additional round of hemming and hawing, the Nets will have a bright future upon their move to Brooklyn in a few years.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Being John Malkovich
Character: Craig Schwartz
Setting: After facing a beat down at the hands of an audience member due to a sexually explicit puppeteering street show, Craig shares his lack of faith in his professional aspirations with his wife, Lotte.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: Craig Schwartz had a vision and passion for what he wanted to be and attain with his life… to become the world’s greatest puppeteer. Although he often faces abuses and violence for his life’s ambition, he perseveres. After commandeering the mind of John Malkovich, he determines a plan for fulfilling his goal by utilizing the Malkovich brand. Likewise, Ratner and Thorn may not be taking the easy path, but they’ve got a vision and are confident in the final outcome.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Mini-Me, Stop Humping the Laser

William Buckley, whose largely credited with jump starting and pressing the conservative movement over the past fifty years through his magazine, National Review, has called it quits and is handing over the reins to a board of five members.  While this news in and of itself isn’t much of a story for El Duderino, it has provided an opportunity to look at what conservativism meant originally and what it has become – which our friends at the New York Times have done via a July 17 article. 

The original intent of the conservative movement was to fight communism, diminish the federal government and uphold “traditionalism” in social affairs.  As the Times notes, “that formulation held together for five decades” until the fall of communism, and interestingly enough, the end of big government, through actions such as welfare reform that occurred during the Clinton administration (yes, both houses were indeed controlled by Republicans). 

So now what?  The mantras of the conservative movement have become irrelevant in many ways, yet the party still needs a rallying cry.  The GOP has seemed to grab hold of traditionally Democratic ideals, such as a federally funded prescription drug bill, pushed the broad support of a $256 billion federally funded highway improvement bill, enacted education reform and has taken on the cause of immigrant workers.  The Bush administration has also pushed foreign policy that reeks of imperialism, in a striking contrast to the isolationism that had dominated the party’s doctrine for decades.

So what’s El Duderino getting at you ask?  Well, either Bush is a Democrat disguised in sheep’s clothing or his entire presidency has been aimed at minimizing all of the Democratic strengths.  ED is going with the latter.  It’s certainly been a successful strategy in confusing the living beejeezus out of the Democratic Party.  Other than the war and the economy, albeit two fairly significant issues, the Kerry/Edwards party hasn’t been able to communicate a single policy that differentiates themselves from Bush/Cheney. 
 
Yet there’s something sinister and sleezy about pushing an agenda on the sole ground that it will help in a re-election bid.  It’s surprising that more conservatives haven’t taken the administration on for its views on the role of the Federal government, although many pundits have noted that the White House is seemingly getting much more pushback from those Republicans in the House and Senate.   

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/07/17/arts/17CONS.final.html
 
Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Character: Dr. Evil
Setting: While Dr. Evil shows off his new tool of world destruction, his three-foot tall protégé, affectionately described as Mini-Me, displays his enthusiasm and love for the weapon of mass destruction by giving it a little of the old in-out, in-out.  Dr. Evil, whose trying to show off the laser to his minions, asks Mini-Me if he couldn’t stop his actions via the headline quote.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: Dr. Evil has dreams of world denomination and is constantly plotting new schemes, in this instance a laser that he will use to blackmail the world for “beelyons” of dollars.  In this analogy, Karl Rove and Dick Cheney alternately play the role of Dr. Evil.  President Bush plays the role of Mini-Me and the American public plays the role of Dr. Evil’s minions. 

Mini-Me (aka G.W.) doesn’t really know what’s going on but he’s got urges that need to be expressed.  Dr. Evil (Cheney/Rove) has elaborate plans for controlling the world and making loads of money in the process, but they tend to be ill-conceived.  The minions, namely number two and Scott Evil, have alternate ideas that are less elaborate but would probably work just as well, i.e. “go back in time and shoot Austin Powers while he’s on the crapper or something”.
 
Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Marriage Is What Brings Us Together Today

El Duderino will be on vacation for a better part of the next two weeks with little access to a computer.  I’ve got some material nearly completed, so if I get access to an Internet connection, I may be able to get some new content posted. 
 
And a hearty congratulations goes out to the soon to be Mr and Mrs. Brian and Katie Fosnick. 
 
Headline Quote Movie of Origin: The Princess Bride 
Character: The Clergyman
Setting: The princess and Prince Humperdink are in the process of being married. 
The quote is relevant to this story how?: El Duderino is going to a wedding. 
 
Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.
 
 

Our brief govoreet through the letter-hole was not, shall we say, satisfactory, yes?

One thing I’ve never understood about the GOP is how the party seems to be on opposite sides of the fence when it comes to the role of government.  The party is based on less government.  Less taxes.  Pro personal property rights.  Lax gun laws.  Etc.  Yet when it comes to supposedly moral issues, such as abortion, legalization of marijuana and gay marriage, the government suddenly has and wants a right to intervene. 
 
I very much respect the religious aspects of these issues.  I understand the passion that is felt by those for and against such issues.  But one need not be in personal favor of abortion or gay marriage to not want those issues to be legislated, especially when it goes against everything else that voting segment believes.  Fundamentally, it’s about realizing and respecting that we live in a society in which people have differing views. 
 
With that, it was stunning to see the recent arguments about the constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.  It was stunning in that it went as far as it did.  There are only what, 20 something amendments.  THIS issue is the one that deserves an amendment!?!  Amending the Constitution isn’t an easy task, requiring the votes of two-thirds of the members in both chambers of Congress and approval in three-fourths of state legislatures.
 
In the first round of debate in the Senate, the bill only received 48 votes, 12 short of the necessary amount needed to push the bill further along in the process.  I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but it makes one think.  The administration has had a pretty successful track record when it comes to pushing through major legislation.  It seems odd that they would push forward with this in a situation that so obviously didn’t stand a chance of being successful. 
 
As El Duderino sees it, there are two potential reasons for the administration pushing this forward.  The most plausible situation is that the administration, recognizing waning support for the situation in Iraq, recognized the need to bring forth an issue that would polarize the nation.  Many pundits on both sides of the political spectrum have noted that gay marriage has the ability to be a wedge issue in the same way that abortion was a wedge issue how many ever years ago.  The GOP no doubt has numbers that state that the numbers would be in its favor if it were to bring this issue into the limelight. 
 
Secondly, the administration is using the gay marriage debate to divert attention from its own failures.  Some in the liberal media have noted that there seems to be a trend of “terror alerts” being issued each time news arises that portrays the administration in a negative light.  This happened most recently after the Senate Intelligence Committee announced its findings.  Shortly after the report was made public, a vague warning was issued about the potential for the presidential elections to be interrupted by terrorist activities.  Of course, the elections are still four months away, and there didn’t appear to be a specific reason why that story came out at the time it did. 
 
Smoking-gun proof?  No.  Seems fishy?  Yes.    
 
Headline Quote Movie of Origin: A Clockwork Orange
Character: Alexander de Large
Setting: Young ruffian Alex and his droogs have descended upon a home in the country where they intended to unleash a bit of the ol’ ulatraviolence.  Upon initially being denied entry by the female homeowner, despite Alex’s pleas of his entrance to use the phone being a life-and-death matter, Alex breaks into the home through an open window.  He recounts his previous conversation with the homeowner before ultimately killing her with a knock to the head with a fallic statue. 
The quote is relevant to this story how?: Clockwork Orange is set in a time and place where lawlessness runs supreme.  The prisons have become overrun with inmates and the government has reached a boiling point in which it decides to take aggressive actions to counter its social ills – that action being the brainwashing of its down-trodden and immoral citizens.  It’s such fear that seems to drive the Christian right. If we don’t legislate those who don’t prescribe to Christian values, that our world will descend into anarchy. 
 
Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Hey You Guys!

Ever been confused about which side of the political fence you lean? You support gun control but believe in low taxes? You think the homeless should trade in their shopping carts for a hairnet and mop yet you think it’s a woman’s right to choose? El Duderino feels the same way, so our crack staff has joined forces with Slate to determine a quiz that provides definitive proof of political leanings.

Just click on the following link and follow directions to determine your fate… http://slate.msn.com/id/2103764/.

Have your musical tastes become stale? Sick of hearing the same 10 songs played over and over and over on the radio? Try the visually musicplasma.com. Type in a favorite band and find out what other bands are similar. Like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs? Maybe you should try out My Morning Jacket or Kings of Leon. Going to a concert but you don’t know if you should go early to see the opening band? Musicplasma is YOUR answer.

The link… http://www.musicplasma.com/.

And finally, I was going to write an entire article on this but I’ve never quite gotten around to it so I’m going with just a blurb. Best movie of the summer? Fahrenheit 9/11? Spiderman 2? Anchorman? Nope. The truly best movie of the summer is Control Room, a documentary that presents a behind-the-scenes look at the war from the perspective of the media, in this case Al Jazeera, the Arab news network. “Control Room shows how propaganda works on both sides and how the truth is often somewhere in between.”

I’m guessing that Control Room is showing on a fairly limited number of screens nationwide, but if you get a chance, I highly recommend checking it out. If you’re in New York, it’s showing at The Landmark Sunshine Theater on Houston between First and Second Avenues.

For a review of the movie, check out the following link… http://www.culturevulture.net/Movies8/ControlRoom.htm.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Goonies
Character: Sloth
Setting: After finding the pirate ship full of treasure (argh, matey), which would provide the Goonies gang with the necessary means to pay off the evil land developer, the Fratelli’s swoop in and commandeer the loot. Luckily, the captured Chunk has become best friends with Sloth, the Fratellis “Elephant Man” little brother. Sloth swoops in, wearing his Superman shirt, and saves the Goonies from certain annihilation at the hands of the evil ice cream-eating Italians.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: Sloth saves the day and provides the Goonies gang with a new outlook on life. Similarly, El Duderino’s suggestions are hoped to have a similarly life-changing effect on the world at large. Baabyyy Ruuuth!

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Say What You Like About the Tenets of National Socialism, At Least It’s an Ethos

For the second time in the past month, a bi-partisan committee has concluded that there was not a link between Iraq and 9/11. The latest findings have been revealed by the Senate Intelligence Committee (SIC), made up of nine republicans and eight democrats. As opposed to the 9/11 Commission, which was examining solely the events leading up to 9/11, the SIC was tasked with examining the intelligence that led to the decision to invade Iraq.

The committee, in the way of 117 findings, concluded that the intelligence community, primarily the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), was primarily at fault for providing unreliable evidence to the administration and Congress. Among the most damning findings, the committee deemed that not only was there not a link between Iraq and 9/11, there was no evidence that supported a formal relationship between Iraq and Al Qaeda, a premise that vice president Cheney continues to use to support the invasion.

The committee did, however, find that although an illegal weapons arsenal has obviously yet to have been found, Iraq did possess the capabilities to produce biological agents.

Okay, those are the facts of the committee’s findings. To include that data with what is generally accepted previously, here’s a summary of the findings…

- Iraq did not have an arsenal of biological, chemical or nuclear weapons capable of exacting damage on the United States.

- Iraq did not have any formalized relations with Al Qaeda.

- Although Iraq had the means to produce biological weapons in the future, as they were not actively in relations with terrorist groups and were generally unfriendly with other Middle Eastern countries due to their conflicts with Iran and Kuwait, even if those biological weapons were manufactured, they would not be a threat to the American public.

That leaves only nation building and the spread of democratic ideals to the Middle East as the sole, legitimate reason for the invasion of Iraq. Although many arguments can be made that the world is a better place with Saddam out of power, would the American public, the coalition, including Great Britain, and Congress have agreed to bypass the international community and enact a new standard by which countries can pre-emptively attack each other, just for that reason? My guess is no.

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/07/10/politics/10INTE.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/07/10/politics/10ASSE.html
http://news.findlaw.com/legalnews/lit/iraq/documents.html#sicrpt

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: The Big Lebowski
Character: Walter Sobchak
Setting: The Dude (the muse for this blog) reveals to Walter that Nihilists are seeking to recover the ransom money for Bunny Lebowski and that they have threatened castration if the money is not delivered. Walter, astounded that a group of individuals, referring to the Nihilists, can be void of ideals on any topic, compares the group to communists.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: As Walter points out, although many may not agree with National Socialism (or a despotic regime with documented human rights violations in the case of Iraq), at least Saddam wasn’t a nihilist (to use the parlance of our times). Saddam’s ideals may not have been that of the U.S. but who are we to judge? There are many ills across the world and regimes that do not meet our standards of providing basic human rights. Are we going to invade all of those countries as well?

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.