If You Want Me to Take a Dump in a Box and Mark It Guaranteed. I can. I Have Spare Time.

Among the previous half-truths previously noted by this column, one glaring omission has been the attacks on Kerry’s liberal record and specifically his views on taxation. In many ways I think his past voting record is somewhat insignificant, at least in regards to topics in which he’s laid out a clear plan.

Elected officials are supposed to represent their constituents. Kerry is from a state that possesses ideals that are more “liberal” than those of the nation as a whole. Clearly he would be expected to have a voting record that mirrors those views. Now that’s he on a national stage, in which the general populace doesn’t support the level of social programs supported in the Northeast, Kerry has stated that he will NOT raise taxes on the middle or lower classes, but that he WILL repeal the tax cuts Bush provided to those in upper income brackets. Case closed. That’s his policy.

Once again, by continually using vague terms such as “most liberal Senator,” the administration continues to show that it doesn’t want to have a debate or dialogue on Kerry’s current policy.

But, for the sake of argument, let’s dissect the attacks on Kerry’s voting record on taxes in contrast with the claims being made by the administration.

In an official Bush-Cheney television ad titled “taxing our economy” the administration claims that Kerry had 98 votes “for tax increases,” which was nearly a 300 percent decrease from its earlier statement that Kerry voted 350 times for “higher taxes”. According to the non-partisan Annenberg Institute (through its FactCheck.org Web site), 43 of the votes in question would not have raised taxes. In a 20-year Senate career, which has included more than 6,000 votes, that doesn’t seem like such a large number.

The general theme of the ad is that Kerry won’t really follow-through on his word to lower middle class taxes (that he’ll pull a George H.W. Bush, if you will), citing his record of voting for gas taxes, lack of support for child tax credits and a 1996 budget that included higher taxes, which Kerry supported. As seems to be the case, the charges are HUGE stretches.

In regards to gas taxes, the ad claims Kerry voted 10 times to raise gas taxes against the middle class and that Kerry supported a 50 cent a gallon tax increase. Both claims are false. The ad claims that Kerry voted 18 times for higher taxes on middle class parents, all in reference to granting child tax credits. In fact, the votes weren’t to raise taxes, as the ad states, but were against lowering the taxes and were all part of larger Republican tax packages.

And finally, the ad mentions the fiscal ’96 budget in which Kerry supported increases in the budget via several specific tax increases. Unfortunately, the majority of the examples cited in the ad would have actually raised taxes against those making over $140,000 per year, which are exactly the type of taxes that Kerry is more than happy to suggest he supports.

http://factcheck.org/article.aspx?docID=247

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Tommy Boy
Character: Tommy Boy
Setting: Tommy Boy, after several failures in his attempt at salesmanship, finds his groove and is in the process of selling thousands of Calloway “the god damn Rolls Royce of brake pads, that’s what they are” brake pads to a regional Midwestern auto parts store. Central to his persuasive argument is the role of the word “guarantee” on the box, of which the term is not present on Calloway products.

Ted, the potential purchaser, states that a guarantee makes a man feel good and asks why anyone would put a guarantee on a box if not for a superior product. Tommy, in a display of wisdom that can only have been learned in his seven years in college, counters that… “The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? ‘Building model airplanes’ says the little fairy, but we're not buying it. Next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I seen it a hundred times.”

Then, referring to the competition’s motives behind the guarantee… “Because they know all they solda ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality item from me.”
The quote is relevant to this story how?: The Republican National Convention is analogous to the competition (such as Zalinsky the Auto Parts King). The current administration is making a whole lot of guarantees about lots of issues because they know in reality, if they’re not guaranteeing future actions, than all they’re selling is a box full of excrement.

It’s Herbie Hancock. Duh.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.