Ladies and gentlemen welcome to tonight’s main event, pitting the show that created it all versus the young and nimble up-and-comer. Let’s keep it clean. No shots below the belt. In case of a knock down, go to the opposite corner. Let’s… get… ready… to rumble!
Each “round” is worth 10 points, with added points for the intangible section, which doesn’t fit into the boxing analogy but I’ve decided to not let it bother me. This is a highly subjective system. One could almost goes as far as saying that this is scientific.
Primary Male Cast
9-0: Brandon Walsh, Dylan McKay, Steve Sanders and David Silver
O.C.: Seth Cohen and Ryan Atwood
No question on this one. Brandon and Dylan made their crazy “big in the front” dos all the rage, sold more lunch boxes than anyone other than Jacko (insert joke about Jacko’s target market here) and tore up, yes, TORE UP, West Beverly and CU. Seth was no one before the Summer/Anna drama. Ryan plays the quiet guy pretty well and he is from Chino, which boasts a prison that once was home to Snoop Dogg, but it’s just not enough. 9-0 has the O.C. on the ropes early. This could get ugly fast folks.
Round one goes to 9-0 by a count of 9 to 1.
Primary Female Cast
9-0: Kelly Taylor, Donna Martin and Valerie Malone
O.C.: Marissa Cooper and Summer Roberts
Without the amazing caterpillar to butterfly transformation experienced by Valerie Malone (aka Kelly Kapowski), this category might not even be a contest. Donna would be a strong contender for the “nepotism at its worst” award and Kelly never was able to harness the potential she showed early on in the show’s 10-year-run.
But, Valerie, what can we say, she pulled off cunning, conniving and evil better than any character in television history. The episode when she “caught” her visiting-from-out-of-town best friend stealing stuff, instantly transforming her image and garnering the trust and respect of her counterparts… that, my friends, was pure genius.
Marissa and Summer, on the other hand, are solid, if unspectacular. Neither of them have any personality, similar to Donna and Kelly. Yet they’ve removed themselves from the pressures of “popular” life, choosing instead a life with the quiet, sensitive bad boy from Chino and the comic book reading geek from next door. That’s got to mean something, right?
This round results in a split decision, 5 to 5.
Family
9-0: Jim and Cindy Walsh
O.C.: Sandy and Kirsten Cohen
The O.C. comes back strong in the third round. I mean, do I even have to explain anything with this one? Jim and Cindy left their kids and moved to Hong Kong. Enough said.
But for the sake of a trip down memory lane… the Walsh’s moved to Beverly Hills, yet still made their son work at a diner and then be a towel boy to pay for a crappy Mustang. Jim was the money manager for a known mobster, yet was always giving Brandon and Brenda advice on being good human beings. Cindy was a bit to June Cleaver for a show set in Southern California in the 90s.
Sandy, on the other hand, took Seth and Ryan to Vegas and was cool enough to let them play poker and bring four hookers to their penthouse at the Hard Rock. Kirsten is an automatic inductee into the Hottest Moms in Television Hall of Fame.
The O.C. completely dominates in this round, 10 to 0.
Intermission with the O.C. experiencing a scant 17 to 15 lead.
Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.
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