Mini-Me, Stop Humping the Laser

William Buckley, whose largely credited with jump starting and pressing the conservative movement over the past fifty years through his magazine, National Review, has called it quits and is handing over the reins to a board of five members.  While this news in and of itself isn’t much of a story for El Duderino, it has provided an opportunity to look at what conservativism meant originally and what it has become – which our friends at the New York Times have done via a July 17 article. 

The original intent of the conservative movement was to fight communism, diminish the federal government and uphold “traditionalism” in social affairs.  As the Times notes, “that formulation held together for five decades” until the fall of communism, and interestingly enough, the end of big government, through actions such as welfare reform that occurred during the Clinton administration (yes, both houses were indeed controlled by Republicans). 

So now what?  The mantras of the conservative movement have become irrelevant in many ways, yet the party still needs a rallying cry.  The GOP has seemed to grab hold of traditionally Democratic ideals, such as a federally funded prescription drug bill, pushed the broad support of a $256 billion federally funded highway improvement bill, enacted education reform and has taken on the cause of immigrant workers.  The Bush administration has also pushed foreign policy that reeks of imperialism, in a striking contrast to the isolationism that had dominated the party’s doctrine for decades.

So what’s El Duderino getting at you ask?  Well, either Bush is a Democrat disguised in sheep’s clothing or his entire presidency has been aimed at minimizing all of the Democratic strengths.  ED is going with the latter.  It’s certainly been a successful strategy in confusing the living beejeezus out of the Democratic Party.  Other than the war and the economy, albeit two fairly significant issues, the Kerry/Edwards party hasn’t been able to communicate a single policy that differentiates themselves from Bush/Cheney. 
 
Yet there’s something sinister and sleezy about pushing an agenda on the sole ground that it will help in a re-election bid.  It’s surprising that more conservatives haven’t taken the administration on for its views on the role of the Federal government, although many pundits have noted that the White House is seemingly getting much more pushback from those Republicans in the House and Senate.   

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/07/17/arts/17CONS.final.html
 
Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Character: Dr. Evil
Setting: While Dr. Evil shows off his new tool of world destruction, his three-foot tall protégé, affectionately described as Mini-Me, displays his enthusiasm and love for the weapon of mass destruction by giving it a little of the old in-out, in-out.  Dr. Evil, whose trying to show off the laser to his minions, asks Mini-Me if he couldn’t stop his actions via the headline quote.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: Dr. Evil has dreams of world denomination and is constantly plotting new schemes, in this instance a laser that he will use to blackmail the world for “beelyons” of dollars.  In this analogy, Karl Rove and Dick Cheney alternately play the role of Dr. Evil.  President Bush plays the role of Mini-Me and the American public plays the role of Dr. Evil’s minions. 

Mini-Me (aka G.W.) doesn’t really know what’s going on but he’s got urges that need to be expressed.  Dr. Evil (Cheney/Rove) has elaborate plans for controlling the world and making loads of money in the process, but they tend to be ill-conceived.  The minions, namely number two and Scott Evil, have alternate ideas that are less elaborate but would probably work just as well, i.e. “go back in time and shoot Austin Powers while he’s on the crapper or something”.
 
Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Marriage Is What Brings Us Together Today

El Duderino will be on vacation for a better part of the next two weeks with little access to a computer.  I’ve got some material nearly completed, so if I get access to an Internet connection, I may be able to get some new content posted. 
 
And a hearty congratulations goes out to the soon to be Mr and Mrs. Brian and Katie Fosnick. 
 
Headline Quote Movie of Origin: The Princess Bride 
Character: The Clergyman
Setting: The princess and Prince Humperdink are in the process of being married. 
The quote is relevant to this story how?: El Duderino is going to a wedding. 
 
Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.
 
 

Our brief govoreet through the letter-hole was not, shall we say, satisfactory, yes?

One thing I’ve never understood about the GOP is how the party seems to be on opposite sides of the fence when it comes to the role of government.  The party is based on less government.  Less taxes.  Pro personal property rights.  Lax gun laws.  Etc.  Yet when it comes to supposedly moral issues, such as abortion, legalization of marijuana and gay marriage, the government suddenly has and wants a right to intervene. 
 
I very much respect the religious aspects of these issues.  I understand the passion that is felt by those for and against such issues.  But one need not be in personal favor of abortion or gay marriage to not want those issues to be legislated, especially when it goes against everything else that voting segment believes.  Fundamentally, it’s about realizing and respecting that we live in a society in which people have differing views. 
 
With that, it was stunning to see the recent arguments about the constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.  It was stunning in that it went as far as it did.  There are only what, 20 something amendments.  THIS issue is the one that deserves an amendment!?!  Amending the Constitution isn’t an easy task, requiring the votes of two-thirds of the members in both chambers of Congress and approval in three-fourths of state legislatures.
 
In the first round of debate in the Senate, the bill only received 48 votes, 12 short of the necessary amount needed to push the bill further along in the process.  I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but it makes one think.  The administration has had a pretty successful track record when it comes to pushing through major legislation.  It seems odd that they would push forward with this in a situation that so obviously didn’t stand a chance of being successful. 
 
As El Duderino sees it, there are two potential reasons for the administration pushing this forward.  The most plausible situation is that the administration, recognizing waning support for the situation in Iraq, recognized the need to bring forth an issue that would polarize the nation.  Many pundits on both sides of the political spectrum have noted that gay marriage has the ability to be a wedge issue in the same way that abortion was a wedge issue how many ever years ago.  The GOP no doubt has numbers that state that the numbers would be in its favor if it were to bring this issue into the limelight. 
 
Secondly, the administration is using the gay marriage debate to divert attention from its own failures.  Some in the liberal media have noted that there seems to be a trend of “terror alerts” being issued each time news arises that portrays the administration in a negative light.  This happened most recently after the Senate Intelligence Committee announced its findings.  Shortly after the report was made public, a vague warning was issued about the potential for the presidential elections to be interrupted by terrorist activities.  Of course, the elections are still four months away, and there didn’t appear to be a specific reason why that story came out at the time it did. 
 
Smoking-gun proof?  No.  Seems fishy?  Yes.    
 
Headline Quote Movie of Origin: A Clockwork Orange
Character: Alexander de Large
Setting: Young ruffian Alex and his droogs have descended upon a home in the country where they intended to unleash a bit of the ol’ ulatraviolence.  Upon initially being denied entry by the female homeowner, despite Alex’s pleas of his entrance to use the phone being a life-and-death matter, Alex breaks into the home through an open window.  He recounts his previous conversation with the homeowner before ultimately killing her with a knock to the head with a fallic statue. 
The quote is relevant to this story how?: Clockwork Orange is set in a time and place where lawlessness runs supreme.  The prisons have become overrun with inmates and the government has reached a boiling point in which it decides to take aggressive actions to counter its social ills – that action being the brainwashing of its down-trodden and immoral citizens.  It’s such fear that seems to drive the Christian right. If we don’t legislate those who don’t prescribe to Christian values, that our world will descend into anarchy. 
 
Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Hey You Guys!

Ever been confused about which side of the political fence you lean? You support gun control but believe in low taxes? You think the homeless should trade in their shopping carts for a hairnet and mop yet you think it’s a woman’s right to choose? El Duderino feels the same way, so our crack staff has joined forces with Slate to determine a quiz that provides definitive proof of political leanings.

Just click on the following link and follow directions to determine your fate… http://slate.msn.com/id/2103764/.

Have your musical tastes become stale? Sick of hearing the same 10 songs played over and over and over on the radio? Try the visually musicplasma.com. Type in a favorite band and find out what other bands are similar. Like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs? Maybe you should try out My Morning Jacket or Kings of Leon. Going to a concert but you don’t know if you should go early to see the opening band? Musicplasma is YOUR answer.

The link… http://www.musicplasma.com/.

And finally, I was going to write an entire article on this but I’ve never quite gotten around to it so I’m going with just a blurb. Best movie of the summer? Fahrenheit 9/11? Spiderman 2? Anchorman? Nope. The truly best movie of the summer is Control Room, a documentary that presents a behind-the-scenes look at the war from the perspective of the media, in this case Al Jazeera, the Arab news network. “Control Room shows how propaganda works on both sides and how the truth is often somewhere in between.”

I’m guessing that Control Room is showing on a fairly limited number of screens nationwide, but if you get a chance, I highly recommend checking it out. If you’re in New York, it’s showing at The Landmark Sunshine Theater on Houston between First and Second Avenues.

For a review of the movie, check out the following link… http://www.culturevulture.net/Movies8/ControlRoom.htm.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Goonies
Character: Sloth
Setting: After finding the pirate ship full of treasure (argh, matey), which would provide the Goonies gang with the necessary means to pay off the evil land developer, the Fratelli’s swoop in and commandeer the loot. Luckily, the captured Chunk has become best friends with Sloth, the Fratellis “Elephant Man” little brother. Sloth swoops in, wearing his Superman shirt, and saves the Goonies from certain annihilation at the hands of the evil ice cream-eating Italians.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: Sloth saves the day and provides the Goonies gang with a new outlook on life. Similarly, El Duderino’s suggestions are hoped to have a similarly life-changing effect on the world at large. Baabyyy Ruuuth!

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Say What You Like About the Tenets of National Socialism, At Least It’s an Ethos

For the second time in the past month, a bi-partisan committee has concluded that there was not a link between Iraq and 9/11. The latest findings have been revealed by the Senate Intelligence Committee (SIC), made up of nine republicans and eight democrats. As opposed to the 9/11 Commission, which was examining solely the events leading up to 9/11, the SIC was tasked with examining the intelligence that led to the decision to invade Iraq.

The committee, in the way of 117 findings, concluded that the intelligence community, primarily the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), was primarily at fault for providing unreliable evidence to the administration and Congress. Among the most damning findings, the committee deemed that not only was there not a link between Iraq and 9/11, there was no evidence that supported a formal relationship between Iraq and Al Qaeda, a premise that vice president Cheney continues to use to support the invasion.

The committee did, however, find that although an illegal weapons arsenal has obviously yet to have been found, Iraq did possess the capabilities to produce biological agents.

Okay, those are the facts of the committee’s findings. To include that data with what is generally accepted previously, here’s a summary of the findings…

- Iraq did not have an arsenal of biological, chemical or nuclear weapons capable of exacting damage on the United States.

- Iraq did not have any formalized relations with Al Qaeda.

- Although Iraq had the means to produce biological weapons in the future, as they were not actively in relations with terrorist groups and were generally unfriendly with other Middle Eastern countries due to their conflicts with Iran and Kuwait, even if those biological weapons were manufactured, they would not be a threat to the American public.

That leaves only nation building and the spread of democratic ideals to the Middle East as the sole, legitimate reason for the invasion of Iraq. Although many arguments can be made that the world is a better place with Saddam out of power, would the American public, the coalition, including Great Britain, and Congress have agreed to bypass the international community and enact a new standard by which countries can pre-emptively attack each other, just for that reason? My guess is no.

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/07/10/politics/10INTE.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/07/10/politics/10ASSE.html
http://news.findlaw.com/legalnews/lit/iraq/documents.html#sicrpt

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: The Big Lebowski
Character: Walter Sobchak
Setting: The Dude (the muse for this blog) reveals to Walter that Nihilists are seeking to recover the ransom money for Bunny Lebowski and that they have threatened castration if the money is not delivered. Walter, astounded that a group of individuals, referring to the Nihilists, can be void of ideals on any topic, compares the group to communists.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: As Walter points out, although many may not agree with National Socialism (or a despotic regime with documented human rights violations in the case of Iraq), at least Saddam wasn’t a nihilist (to use the parlance of our times). Saddam’s ideals may not have been that of the U.S. but who are we to judge? There are many ills across the world and regimes that do not meet our standards of providing basic human rights. Are we going to invade all of those countries as well?

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Stop Looking At Me, Swan

Ack! I'm a terrible blogger. But it's only partly my fault. Mostly Time Warner is at fault as it's they who have provided me with a less than stellar Internet connection from my home. No Internet connection, no El Duderino.

Any-who, my connection has been restored so hopefully the words will return as well. I leave you on this Friday with a quote...

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.” - Groucho Marx

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Billy Madison
Character: Billy Madison
Setting: Billy is in the bath tub cleansing himself. While playing with the shampoo and conditioner bottle, he has a paranoid delusion that a swan is watching him. I, too, have sadly had this same delusion.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: At this early stage of the movie, Billy is not fulfilling his potential as a human being. Mostly he just drinks and hangs out. But, eventually he finds his way and graduates high school and inherits the president title of the family hotel empire, which he then turns down to become a teacher.

I hope to follow the path set forth by Billy. Although I'm not succeeding in my blog endeavor currently, with some perseverance I believe that I can have the same happy ending of Billy Madison, minus the becoming a teacher part.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

I Was Punched in the Face. What's Your Excuse?

There is a god. The Detroit Pistons have beaten the Lakers to win the NBA Championship. In addition to my general dislike for the Lakers (and Kobe Bryant), it’s good to see the Pistons win for a number of other reasons.

First, Larry Brown has been one of the great coaches of the past 25 years, from a successful playing career at North Carolina under Dean Smith to winning a championship at Kansas to a great run with the Philadelphia 76ers and maybe most impressive of all, he was the last coach to lead the Clippers to the playoffs. Although he clearly didn’t NEED an NBA title to prove his worth, there aren’t too many coaches in any sport that deserve a title more than Larry Brown.

Second, Joe Dumars, the Pistons general manager, has been under the gun all season for selecting 18-year-old European Darko Mlicic over Carmelo Anthony who led Syracuse to a national championship in his only season as an Orangemen. Dumars, knowing he already had his starting small forward of the future in TayShaun Prince, and blessed with an already well balanced roster, decided to take a gamble on the future by selecting a big man, which are much harder to find. Even after the Pistons had made the NBA Finals, the naysayers were out in full force saying that the Pistons would only stand a chance against the mighty Lakers if they had Carmelo Anthony. It’s not a slight on Anthony, but Dumars had a team concept and plan, he stuck to his laurels and it worked out. There’s a reason sports writers are sports writers and not general managers.

Third, and most important in my mind, Dumars and Brown have reversed the ugly NBA trend that superstars win championships. Dumars put his initial stamp on the Pistons by trading the team’s franchise player for Richard Hamilton, a solid yet unspectacular player that’s known as much for his off the ball movement and mid-range shot than any other facet of his game. He also pieced together players such as Ben Wallace, a player that wasn’t even drafted, Chauncey Billups, who had bounced around several teams without much success, and bench players such as Mike James, Mehmet Okur and Elden Campbell.

Although at face value, having a superstar dominated league isn’t such a bad thing, the impact it’s had on the team aspects of the game are undeniable. Nearly every team in the league drafts on the potential that they must find that one superstar that they can build their team around. Instead of building a system through the continuity of a coaching staff, front offices dump head coaches as soon as their supposed superstar players show any discontent. It’s no coincidence that Gregg Popovich and Flip Saunders are two of the longest tenured coaches in the game. They have true superstar players in Tim Duncan and Kevin Garnett, respectively, that have put aside their own egos and have adapted themselves to the systems that their coaches have put in place. Guys like Tracy McGrady and Jason Kidd have yet to discover this aspect of the game.

As an aside, here’s another example of what makes Larry Brown such a class act. After winning his first NBA title, the first words that came out of his mouth in a post-game interview were thanks to Rick Carlisle and his sorrows that Chucky Atkins, Cliff Robinson, John Barry and Michael Curry, former Pistons, couldn’t be a part of the celebration. Great guy.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Rushmore
Character: Max Fischer (played by Jason Schwartzman)
Setting: After the opening to Max’s “hit play”, he’s gone to dinner with Herman Blume, Rosemary Cross, a teacher of which he has a crush, and Peter, a friend of Rosemary’s (played by Luke Wilson). After consuming an alcoholic beverage, Max gets abusive towards Peter as being an uninvited guest. It’s at this point that he asks Peter in regards to the noted Wilson nose, “I was punched in the face. What’s your excuse?”
The quote is relevant to this story how?: Rushmore is the story of an underdog who struggles through a portion of life, only to find his groove and come out okay. This seems to sum up the Pistons season. They came out of the gates playing well (analogous to the beginning of Rushmore when Max is on top of his game). Then they went through a brutal stretch in which they lost something like 10 games in a row (analogous to Max getting kicked out of Rushmore, losing his friendship with Ms. Cross, having to go to the public Grover Cleveland High School and ultimately dropping out of school altogether). Finally, after attaining Rasheed Wallace, the Pistons began to jell and ended up winning it all, just like Max finding his soulmate in Margaret Yang.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Now One of Us Is Going to Get Shot

After the initial wave of stories detailing the Abu Ghraib tortures, there was much debate whether the media was acting responsibly by publishing photos and providing detailed accounts of the abuses. I’m of the belief that the media did indeed act responsibly. The abuses may have continued if the story was not broken and our leaders need to have accountability to the world. If the media provides that accountability, I’m all for it.

But enough is enough already. The Washington Post ran a cover story this morning that it’s discovered that unmuzzled dogs were used to intimidate the prisoners. Now, I’d be as scared as an unmuzzled, vicious dog as the next guy, but is that form of torture worse than what’s already been reported, including various forms of sexual torture? What’s the news here?

We screwed up and it’s clear that this wasn’t an isolated incident from a few rogue soldiers (not that that should let those soldiers off the hook). Maybe it’s time that the media moves on to covering how this was allowed to happen and who should ultimately be responsible… my votes are for Rove or Ashcroft! Those have to be the two creepiest guys in the history of the White House.

On a completely unrelated topic, and I think I’ll devote an entire entry to this at some point, but does anyone else find it odd that Bush picked for his Attorney General a guy that lost to a deceased person in his run for Senate a few years ago. That’s right, John Ashcroft, America’s Top Cop, who was the incumbent at the time, lost to a candidate that had died several weeks prior to the election. You’ve got to be an unbelievably hated person to lose to a dead person, especially when you’re the incumbent.

Looking for a laugh? Check out this link… http://www.whitehouse.org/ask/jashcroft.asp

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A32776-2004Jun10.html

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Swingers
Character: Mikey (John Favreau)
Setting: Sue has just pulled a gun on “House of Pain” after they “stepped up on him” as he didn’t want to lose his “rep”. Mikey and the rest of the crew are exasperated with Sue’s actions. Mikey says, “haven’t you seen Boyz N The Hood? Now one of us are going to get shot.
The quote is relevant to this story how?: Mostly I just wanted to use a Swingers line, but the Boyz N The Hood theory works. The debate around the media’s responsibility in the Abu Ghraib affair revolved primarily around the fact that showing American abuse of Iraqis and insurgents would lead to an “eye-for-an-eye” retaliation from the Arab world.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Random Thought of the Week

What's the media's fascination with filming world leaders coming off of planes? And who are those world leaders always waving at when they're walking down the steps of the plane?

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

We Follow Orders Or People Die

I’m currently reading a book by a conservative writer commenting on why the United States is increasingly being looked on negatively by the rest of the world. The first 40 pages have been chock full of useful and interesting information. I say this just as a means to provide a reason why my columns will be likely be focused largely on issues relating to U.S. foreign policy (as well as installment number two of the OC versus 9-0 debate). The book has, and I’m sure will continue to have, a meaningful impact on my outlook.

Anyhow, with that said, the recent revelation that White House lawyers discussed in detail the circumvention of the Geneva Conventions is one of the most poignant examples of how the United States is completely disregarding its role as the world’s unarguable leader.

As a bit of background, the Geneva Conventions were created as a result of the atrocities of WW II, although similar rules had been in place since the mid-19th century. Those who violate the stipulations of the Geneva Conventions, such as the stipulation in Article 13 of the third convention that POWs must be protected against "insults and public curiosity," risk being tried as war criminals at the International Criminal Court. I think most of us when thinking of war criminals have visions of beret-wearing dictators with an AK-47 draped over their shoulder or the Vietmanese guy with the menacing looking Fu Manchu. The U.S. has now made itself a part of that group! That is a big deal.

I’ve heard a number of commentators argue that the current state of the world, namely in regards to terrorism, changes the rules of the game. One could argue that the current state of the world is in a much better place than we were at during the Cold War, during the Vietnam War or during the Korean War, but that’s not even the point. The point is that if the U.S. felt that the Geneva Conventions were no longer relevant, they had an obligation to work through the international community to change the Conventions.

Rules are useless if no one pays attention to them, especially if the country not paying attention to those rules is the world’s 500-pound gorilla. This sets a dangerous precedent and is maybe the most profound example of policy enacted by the U.S. that have the potential to unwind hundreds of years worth of other rules that act as the fabric of everything we take for granted.

http://slate.msn.com/id/2080617

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: A Few Good Men

Character: Colonel Nathan Jessup, played by Jack Nicholson

Setting: Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee, played by Tom Cruise, is interrogating Col. Jessup over the death of a low-ranking Marine in Guatanamo Bay, Cuba.

The quote is relevant to this story how?: At its most basic level, the movie tackles the topic of personal responsibility and values versus the need to conform to a set of rules that have a potentially larger impact on society at large. The Abu Ghraib controversy follows an analogous path from both the actual act of the torture, as well as in regards to the policy that the US has enacted.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Nobody Drink the Beer. The Beer Has Gone Bad.

Say what you want about the taste of Miller Lite, but once again, they’re blowing everyone away in the ad campaign department. Working on the premise that Budweiser is the King of Beers and thus can’t be suitable for a democratic nation, Miller Lite is running a campaign as the President of Beers. A few lines I found particularly hilarious…

“I’d like to tell you a story about my grandparents. They had a refrigerator that they knitted, themselves, out of yarn. It was small, not very cold, but it taught me a valuable lesson. Not all of us have King Size refrigerators.”

“That’s unacceptable,” says judge.
“You’re unacceptable.”

“This whole thing is a travesty, a sham, a mockery. It’s a travishamockery.”

“I would ask the King of Beers what he would say to that. Why won’t my opponent debate this issue. Is it because he’s a horse or is it because he’s got blinders on! No peripheral vision. Look at me. Both sides.”

Even more surprising is the Budweiser rebuttal ad in which they state that Miller Lite was bought by a foreign company and is thus ineligible for the presidency. Ta-dow. How you like me now.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Can’t Hardly Wait

Character: William Lichter

Setting: Bill, in a plot to embarrass his tormenter, Mike Dexter, attends the last high school blowout bash of the year. Having never consumed an alcoholic beverage before, after tasting the keg beer, let’s out the headline quote.

The quote is relevant to this story how?: The article is about beer. The quote is about beer. Connection.

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

And I’m No Slouch Myself

A refreshing John Kerry article, resulting from an hour interview, was published in the Sunday edition of the Washington Post. It was the first article or broadcast clip I’ve seen in which Kerry came across as just speaking his mind as opposed to “politicking”.

In the article, he touched on a few taboo foreign policy subjects, such as what our role in the world should really be. According to the article, “Sen. John F. Kerry indicated that as president he would play down the promotion of democracy as a leading goal in dealing with Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, China and Russia, instead focusing on other objectives that he said are more central to the United States' security.”

From strictly a political standpoint, given the current situation in which patriotism and the spread of democracy are commonly used to defend our invasion of Iraq, statements such as those by Kerry are likely to further alienate him from the far right. Previously, he seemed to not want to ruffle those feathers, despite the fact that no matter what he says or does, there’s a certain population that’s just not going to like him or any Democrat for that matter.

On a personal level, I’m happy to hear that the spread of American ideals isn’t the goal for at least a portion of our political elite. It seems that the more we try to exact our ideals on the rest of the world, the more the rest of the world hates us. Maybe it’s time to try a different tact, which appears to be what Kerry is proposing.

Although I’m in favor of his statements and policy, I can already envision the ad campaign portraying Kerry as un-patriotic – similar to the way he was portrayed for throwing his medals (or ribbons) over the wall during the infamous anti-war demonstration in the 70s. I’ve never understood why and how there’s a perception that wars are a patriotic action and anyone that personally doesn’t abdicate the use of force in a given situation is by default unpatriotic.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A1443-2004May29.html

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Caddyshack
Character: Judge Smails
Setting: Judge Smails trying to convince Ty Webb (Chevy Chase) to play golf with him. Ty Webb responds with, “ Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.”
The quote is relevant to this story how?: John Kerry reminds me of Judge Smails a bit. They’re both Old Money, have that tight jaw look and a fakeness that’s hard to nail down. And Kerry up to this point seems to be a bit in the “don’t forget about me” role.






Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Quote of the Week

“Don’t tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.”

-Homer’s code of the schoolyard

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

What Else Am I Going To Do, Stay Here and Learn

A Washington Post story today highlighted that if President Bush is re-elected, small budget cuts across a wide swath of departments will occur. That news in and of itself isn’t anything to crow about, but what is potentially interesting is that the largest cuts would come from the Education Department.

The article states that “the administration has widely touted a $1.7 billion increase in discretionary funding for the Education Department in its 2005 budget.” With the budget cuts for 2006, the Education Department will be pared back by $1.5 billion, essentially erasing the previous increase in funding.

As El Duderino noted in a previous column, the much-ballyhooed No Child Left Behind Act has seen much criticism from educators due to its lack of monetary support from the Bush administration that created the act in the first place (i.e. this isn’t a case of a new administration not agreeing with a previous administration’s policy).

As the election season rolls on and the level of political mumbo jumbo increases from both sides, it’ll be interesting to see how this information is portrayed. If Bush continues to portray himself as the education president based on NCLB, well, it’ll be interesting to see the results.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A58762-2004May26.html

I’m sure half of the El Duderino’s two readers are oft-confused by the headlines, so I’ve decided to provide a quick reasoning at the end of each post… sort of like the column ESPN used to have that translated Dennis Miller comments when he was an analyst on Monday Night Football.

Headline Quote Movie of Origin: Road Trip

Character: E.L. (aka Stifler, also known as Seann William Scott)

Setting: Stifler providing Josh with his reasoning on why he will travel cross-country with him to intercept the sexually explicit video tape that was accidentally sent to Josh’s girlfriend.

The quotes is relevant to this story how?: E.L. is an example of the type of miscreant that has resulted from a generation of inadequate funding levels for our nation’s schools. His use of college as a means to delay responsibility is an outrage and indicative of what we face as a society if the status quo is not changed

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

A Nest in a Tree of Trust and Understanding

The recent hubbub concerning high gas prices strikes me as a bit ridiculous on many levels. As noted in an article by Gregg Easterbrook of The New Republic, gas prices are only catastrophically high when not paying attention to inflation. In real dollars, gas prices were $2.80 in 1981, significantly higher than today’s rate. In fact, in the 50s, which many considered “Energy Heaven,” prices were $1.80 in real dollars, not that much lower than today’s prices. Combined with today’s automobiles consuming much less fuel per gallon, gasoline is still at a much lower percentage of income than at most points in the last 50 years.

But even though the facts state that gasoline isn’t that expensive (a gallon of drinking water isn’t even that much less than gasoline), is that even a good thing? What would happen if gasoline prices doubled to $4 per gallon, a price that is more indicative of what other developed countries pay at the pump.

Consumers would likely drive less: the environment and infrastructure (in the way of roads and bridges) benefit. Maybe it forces a few more people to walk instead of driving the half-mile to the grocery store. Again, maybe not such a bad result for the increasingly obese society in which we live. In the long-term, more focus would need to occur to update and increase the capacity of our public transportation systems. That all sounds pretty good to me.

So just remember this article the next time your being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth Of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating, and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes.

http://www.tnr.com/easterbrook.mhtml?week=2004-03-02

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Quote of the Week

“I don’t want money. I want greatness. Money is like sand to me. I squeeze it real hard, and it gets away. It’s just like women. Sometimes I squeeze them too hard, then I turn around, and they’re gone.”
Mike Tyson


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Current Ten Favorite Players in the Playoffs

· Trenton Hassell
· Kevin Garnett
· Peja Stojakovic
· Mike Bibby
· Ron Artest
· Al Harrington
· Tony Parker
· Ben Wallace
· Rip Hamilton
· Lamar Odom

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Random Thought of the Day

If I pay the “a penny a day” people four bucks can I feel not guilty walking by them for a full year?

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

It Takes a Man to Give Away an Angel

In a striking reversal of fortune, Democratic nominee John Kerry has finally done something right with the unveiling of his plans for education reform. The plan follows the theme of Bush’s controversial No Child Left Behind Act by stressing accountability from teachers, but builds upon the previous act by providing monetary incentive to those districts that agree to play by the rules.

The plan would provide states more than $20 million over the next decade to hire more teachers and raise pay, particularly in urban districts that face particularly debilitating shortages. In return, those states that agree to participate would loosen the “tenure-esque” employment protections that teachers currently receive. An additional $10 billion over the next decade would provide aid to struggling schools.

Although the plan has yet to receive a strong reaction in either direction from teacher’s unions (and other similarly affected groups), several prognosticators have ventured that Kerry’s plan is a bit more centrist than the unions might like. As Kerry has been know to fold a bit after receiving pressure in the past (his sudden change of heart in regards to outsourcing, post his wins in the Midwestern primaries being one of the latest), it will be particularly interesting to see how this unfolds.

A few resources on the No Child Left Behind Act, Kerry’s recent proposals and an amazing blog called Eduwonk that covers the education space…

- http://www.latimes.com/news/politics/2004/la-na-kerry7may07,1,1220004.story?coll=la-home-headlines

- http://www.ndol.org/ndol_ci.cfm?contentid=252576&kaid=110&subid=900023

- www.eduwonk.com

Contact El Duderino at jaipf@hotmail.com.

Sports Guy: No Playoffs, No Problem

Okay, I’m not going to make this a normal habit, but this article is just too damn perfect not to post and since it involves a topic dear to my heart that has already been discussed… this just needs to be on El Duderino.

The following is an excerpt of an article from The Sports Guy, who writes for ESPN’s Page 2, ESPN The Magazine and the Jimmy Kimmel Show. For the entire original article… http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/040507.

No Playoffs, No Problem

A friend in L.A. mailed me "The OC" pilot last summer, about a month before it premiered on Fox. "You're going to love it," he told me. "It's ridiculous. Could fill the void of 90210."

Well, those are some pretty strong words. I still haven't recovered from the demise of "90210," not when David Silver had so much more music in him. I'm not sure what Fox was thinking here. Personally, I would have spun him off into his own show where he tried to launch a music career in LA and became bitter rivals with David from "Real World: New Orleans," only they eventually became roommates and merged their talents together with the smash hit duet, "Come On Be My Baby It's You Girl."

I wouldn't have stopped there. Brandon should have gotten his own show, where he worked for the Boston Globe and did Brandon things. And Dylan definitely should have gotten his own show -- "Permanent Hangover," where he did drugs, drove drunk and had sex with bimbos every week, only with no repercussions. Even Valerie should have gotten her own show, where she played a struggling 20-something in L.A. who slept with a ton of guys and had to get tested at the end of every episode. Best of all, Ian Ziering could have just zoomed around and made cameos in every show. None of these ideas would have missed.

Here's the point: There was a "90210" void. When I passed my friend's "OC" sentiments along to the Sports Gal, she practically clotheslined me for the tape. And as we watched it ... I mean, sometimes you just know. People will always watch a show if it includes the following things:

1. Rich people doing rich things

There's a famous Hollywood story about Rodney Dangerfield's movie "Back to School." They had the script, had Rodney, had the jokes, couldn't figure out what it was missing ... and then someone had the suggestion, "Make him rich." Boom. There's the movie. Everyone wants to be rich. Few people get the chance. So whether we're watching someone save the day with money, or we're watching attractive people driving Ferraris, throwing black-tie functions and getting double-crossed out of millions, it's probably going to work. If there are bikinis and sun, even better. Why do you think "90210" didn't take off until their summer at the Beach Club?

2. An outsider watching rich people do rich things

You always need that outsider -- Brandon on "90210," Ryan on "The OC," Darko on the Pistons. They're like us. They don't belong in this world; neither do we. If you can have them battling about "whether they should move back home" every 10 episodes or so, that's a bonus.

3. A premise just ludicrous enough that you have a good time making fun of it ... and yet just believable enough that it doesn't undermine the whole show

Sandy Cohen is already a first-ballot hall of famer for TV dads.
I loved what "The OC" did here: Peter Gallagher finds himself defending a kid from Encino, a nice enough kid with nothing going for him. And here's what Gallagher decides: "This kid is nothing but trouble ... hey, he can move into my house for a few weeks! I'm sure this street thug kid will get along famously with my nerdy, awkward son who loves comic books! My wife won't mind at all!"

So Ryan moves in. He makes friends with Seth (the nerdy son), then falls for the next-door neighbor (Marissa), a rich chick who has a thing for brooding short guys with no money and no hope. Then he and Seth get their asses kicked by the OC water polo team, so Seth's mom wants him gone. Gallagher drives him back to his old house in Chino, where he's already been kicked out by his mom -- and you know something sad is about to happen because there's a sad song playing in the background -- and guess what? Everyone moved out! He should just kill himself, right?

Nope. Gallagher gives him this one: "Come on, grab your stuff, you're coming home with us."

End of pilot. And if you didn't think this crap worked to a tee ... well, you're crazy. The Sports Gal ended up watching the pilot three times in a single weekend.

4. At least two good-looking chicks.

Guys aren't watching trashy shows unless hot women are involved. It's just a fact. For instance, there wasn't a guy on the planet who watched Melrose Place until Amanda and Sydney showed up. Not a problem for "The OC." Between Summer, Marissa, Kirsten's sister and Marissa's Mom, we're in good hands here.

5. Luck with the actors

Goes without saying. "The OC" lucked out with the adults (especially Gallagher) and the girl who plays Summer (the delightful Rachel Bilson). The kid playing Ryan isn't bad, even though it seems like he's doing an imitiation of Jay Mohr's Andrew McCarthy imitation half the time (looking intense, rolling his eyes and saying stuff like, "I love her, man"). He's also like 27 in real life (insert Ian Ziering joke here). Then again, maybe that isn't a bad thing. I think my "90210" highlight of all-time -- other than Dylan ruining Donna Martion's debutante ball -- was Steve Sanders celebrating his 21st birthday when he was like 37 in real life.

But the key to everything was the guy who plays Seth -- Adam Brody -- probably the best young actor on TV and someone who reminds many people of a young Tom Hanks (not Serious Tom Hanks, but the guy from "Splash," "Bachelor Party" and "Turner and Hooch"). Whether "The OC" becomes Brody's "Bosom Buddies" remains to be seen, but he's the franchise here. And that was the problem with Season One -- the show was supposed to be geared around Ryan and Marissa, but Seth and his girlfriend (Summer) were 10 times more entertaining. A good problem to have ... but still, a problem.

6. A random, ridiculous fistfight for no reason

Done and done.

And finally ...

7. Just the right dose of Unintentional Comedy

It's a little early, but Seth Cohen would like to wish you a merry, merry Christmaka.
Again, not a problem with "The OC." We knew right away, too -- during the scene in the pilot when Ryan and Seth brawl against the Aryan Rich Kid Fighting Machine on the beach, and the villainous Luke kicks Ryan in the stomach and screams, "This is how we do it in the OC, bitch!"

So all the elements were there. I'd give them an "A" for the pilot and a "B-plus" for the season that followed -- which was uneven at times but delivered the goods for the most part. There were three great episodes (and by "great," I mean "great" in terms of reaching the potential of the show): The pilot; the one where Ryan's mom came to visit; and a clever episode where they interacted with the characters of a fake, "OC"-like show. The guy who created the show -- Josh Schwartz, only 26 -- could be headed for bigger and better things. Some of the stuff in Season One was genuinely funny.

Sure, there were some problems. During the middle of the season, there was a gawd-awful running story arc with Oliver, an imbalanced rich kid who tried to steal Marissa from Ryan over the course of a few episodes. This idea was right up there with "Rocky 5" and "Ruiz-Holyfield 3." They also tried too many love triangles. Milked the Ryan-Marissa relationship for too long when they didn't have any chemistry at all. Tried to pretend Summer was a virgin when she slept with Seth (please). And some of the mix-and-match moments -- like Marissa's dad dating Seth's mom's sister as Marissa's mom was dating Seth's mom's father -- went a little overboard.

My biggest problem was how they handled the Luke character -- a natural villain for Ryan out of that "Billy Zabka in the 80's" mold. They just weren't patient with him. By the 10th episode, he had been turned into one of those goofy, Steve Sanders-type characters, befriended the gang and seemed poised to shatter the Unintentional Comedy Scale as we know it. Then he had an inexplicable affair with Marissa's mom. Finally, he crashed his jeep and almost died. Now he's just MIA. How can someone blow a chance to become the next Zabka and the next Ziering in the same season? It's almost mind-boggling.

On the plus side, Brody emerged as someone who could carry the show. They managed to keep the adults interesting all season (something early "90210" couldn't pull off). Gallagher's character even joined the ranks of the all-time great TV dads, right up there with Mr. Keaton on "Family Ties," Mr. Drummond on "Diff'rent Strokes" and Mr Walsh on "90210." Meanwhile, Marissa's acting was so comically atrocious, it brought back fond memories of the Andrew Shue Era. They managed to hit a record number of "issues," including teen pregnancy, virginity, drinking, drugs, schizophrenia, suicide and, DWI. They even made Marissa's useless sister vanish halfway through the season, a classic "90210" ploy (if it ain't working, make it disappear).

The season-ending cliffhanger was actually pretty good -- Ryan leaving to deal with his knocked-up former flame; Marissa hitting the bottle; Seth sailing to Tahiti on a 15-foot sailboat that wouldn't have been good enough for Gilligan and the Skipper, bringing only a duffel bag and no food. All in all, a ludicrously satisfying conclusion to an entertaining season. If only "Friends" could have said the same.

(Of course, I'll take the NBA Playoffs over either of them. Can we start playing some games, please? Please? Pretty please?)

Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN the Magazine.


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